Michael Cohen, longtime personal lawyer and confidant for President Donald Trump, leaves the United States District Court of the Southern District of New York on April 26, 2018, in New York City.
Photo: Spencer Platt (Getty Images)

You know how I know Michael Cohen is either a professional fixer or one of the drug dealers from The Wire? Because when federal agents raided his office, hotel room and apartment earlier this month, they seized as many as 16 phones and other devices. You read that correctly. There were 16 phones.

Either Cohen is working very hard in the lowrises, keeping McNulty and Bunk off of Stringer and Avon’s trail, or he had all those phones to deal with his various troublesome clients who couldn’t seem to stay out of trouble.

No, seriously? Who has 16 old phones just lying around, waiting to be taken and imaged by federal agents who are possibly building a case against you and your biggest and most famous client, the president of the United States?

Michael Cohen, that’s who.

The New York Post reports that federal prosecutor Thomas McKay dry-snitched about the phones Thursday as he was telling the judge that Cohen’s lawyers were on track to receive copies of everything seized during the raids by May 11.

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McKay told the judge that the content from four phones and one iPad was already turned over, and that the feds had “about a dozen left” to go through before turning those over as well.

Just to give you an idea of how old some of these phones and devices are—and for just how long Cohen may have been holding on to them—two of them are BlackBerry phones. BlackBerry. Like, when is the last time you have seen a BlackBerry?

Federal Judge Kimba Wood announced Thursday that a “special master” would be appointed to review all the communications and records between Cohen and Trump that were seized during the raid to determine which ones are protected by attorney-client privilege.

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I’m sorry I keep harping on this, but 16 phones? Was he keeping them so he could later blackmail his clients? I really don’t get it, but I do know this is bad.

So does Michael Avenatti, the attorney representing Stormy Daniels. Avenatti tweeted Thursday, “Most interesting fact from today’s hearing IMO - FBI imaged 16 (by my count) cell phones and blackberries seized in MC raids. Usually not a good sign when the target appears to have saved old phones and there are that many phones recovered. BIGLY bad...for many.”

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The Root Senior Editor Stephen Crockett Jr. and I spent some time earlier discussing who the various phones may have been for. We concluded that Cohen had one phone to speed-dial KFC (his boss is greedy and likes to eat disgustingly greasy fried chicken that only white people like); one for Trump, because obviously; one for Sean Hannity; one for Donnie Jr.; one for Dr. Ronny Jackson so he can keep everyone supplied with molly and lean; one that called the trap, aka Ronny Jackson’s house, directly; one for the hos; one with the president of Wells Fargo on speed dial so he could easily access the money he needed to pay off said hos; and one he probably used to listen to Melania cuss about her husband and all his faults.

Or that man had 16 old cellphones that contain damaging evidence lying around, and maybe now—finally—everybody in this messed-up administration can go directly to jail without passing go or collecting their massive payouts for selling out our country.

As always, I am taking bets, rumors, speculation and conjecture on what is possibly on those phones in the comments.

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Let me hear it.