Facing an Impeachment Trial, Trump Orders Airstrike, Killing Iranian Commander; Iran Vows to Retaliate

Illustration for article titled Facing an Impeachment Trial, Trump Orders Airstrike, Killing Iranian Commander; Iran Vows to Retaliate
Photo: Drew Angerer (Getty Images)

So it begins.

Facing a Senate impeachment trial and approval ratings that have fallen lower than the price of a VCR, Trump has pulled a play out of the Wag the Dog playbook and authorized a drone airstrike that killed Qasem Soleimani, head of the Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps Quds Force, setting the stage for an all-out “Battle of the Bastards” war between the U.S. and the highly volatile and always with the shits Iran.


According to CNN, “Abu Mahdi al-Muhandis—the deputy head of the Iran-backed Iraqi Popular Mobilization Forces (PMF)—was also killed, according to a statement from the PMF, which said the pair ‘were martyred by an American strike.’”

When Iran notes that a pair of military heads were “martyred,” that means all the shit is about to hit the fan. It isn’t that Soleimani wasn’t a ruthless killer—he was—but, as the New York Times notes, both former Presidents Bush and Obama didn’t take the shot because they kind of gave a shit about not going to war with Iran.

Nevertheless, Trump, who has been impeached by the House and is currently facing a Senate trial, decided on the most Mondayest Thursday in 2020 that he would take out the Iranian leader and didn’t even have the decency to @ Congress on Twitter.

“General Soleimani was actively developing plans to attack American diplomats and service members in Iraq and throughout the region,” the Pentagon said in a statement, calling the strike “decisive defensive” action aimed at deterring future Iranian attacks. The Pentagon blamed “Soleimani and his Quds Force for attacks on coalition bases in Iraq in recent months, including the December 27 strike that culminated in the deaths of an American contractor and Iraqi personnel. He was also blamed for the December 31 U.S. embassy attack in Baghdad and in addition to the hundreds killed in his time as a commander, thousands more were wounded,” CNN reports.

Look, I’m not saying that those attacks didn’t happen or that they aren’t acts that need to be dealt with, but in Real Housewives of Atlanta terms, Iran is NeNe Leakes—and you know that Nene holds a grudge forevaaaaa (Cardi B voice).

At least six others were killed in the attack as the drone reportedly targeted vehicles carrying Soleimani and al-Mohandis, CNN reports.


U.S. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo told CNN that the strike prevented an “imminent” attack in the region but failed to say what that “imminent attack” was and didn’t seem to note that in killing Soleimani and al-Mohandis the U.S. is now under the threat of an imminent attack.

From CNN:

Three days of national mourning have been declared in Iran, where Soleimani was revered as a national hero, and thousands of demonstrators were seen marching in Tehran and other cities to protest the strike after Friday prayers, news agency video footage shows.

Men, women and children carried images of the slain commander, many crying and others shaking their fists, shouting “Death to America” and “Revenge, revenge, revenge.” Protesters also ripped up a US flag and burned an Israeli one.

The Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has vowed “harsh revenge,” according to a statement published to his official website.

“His pure blood was shed in the hands of the most depraved of human beings,” Khamenei said, adding that it had been Soleimani’s wish to become a martyr.


Thankfully, the sovereign nation of Wakanda had a swift and immediate response:


Also, Iran if you’re reading this, we just want to point out that “we” (the blacks) didn’t not vote for dude, don’t fuck with dude or none of his friends; we don’t even like the people who voted for him.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.


Yeah, you MAGA motherfuckers who still down for your son of a bitch ass Fearless Leader, grab your rifles and your kids and head over to downtown Iran and defend his bullshit, you dumb, Nabisco cookie eating, dipping them in Country Time Lemonade ass slewfoots, you.