Because the NBA, the NHL and the NCAA have all suspended their seasons due to the coronavirus, The staff at The Root’s SportsCenta has gone to great lengths to find some semblance of athletic competition. Today’s highlight comes from Facebook user Dre Justice, who filmed an impromptu UFC (Unannounced Fighting Championship) match between a black woman and a seemingly impaired white woman who summoned up the courage to use the n-word aboard an American Airlines flight.
While Dre didn’t get coverage of the referee’s instructions or the walk to the ring, I assume the white woman came out to the Beastie Boys’ “Brass Monkey” or perhaps Jamie Foxx’s seminal collaboration with T-Pain, “Blame it on the Alcohol.” From the way she is slurring her words, I can assure you that she has either partaken in numerous mini-bottle offerings or she is suffering from early-onset CTE. Her belligerent attitude tells me that she is definitely not sponsored by Funky Cold Medina.
The video opens with the flight attendant-turned-referee trying to separate the two passengers as Amber “the Aisle Seat” Souse informs the black woman: “You can hit me if you want. Hit me if you’re trying to.”
“I don’t have to try,” explains the black woman, whom we shall call “Dee Sands,” because...You’ll see. “You are so fucking fucked up and you don’t realize it. I thought you was cool.”
Let’s pause right here to dissect this moment.
“I thought you was cool” is one of the highest expressions of negro disappointment. To understand this, one must first understand the barriers that a black person must let down to endow a white stranger with that level of the benefit of the doubt. In this instance, “cool” doesn’t mean that the black person trusts their uncolored compadre. It simply means that the black person has lowered their expectations enough to believe that the white person might refrain from engaging in a random act of whiteness like putting their bare feet on the armrest or requesting permission for a hair touching.
Dee Sands was wrong.
“And you gon’ sit here and call him a fucking nigger while you’re sitting beside an African American woman?” Dee asks over Aisle Seat Amber’s unintelligible murmurs. “You are fucking stupid! You need to be locked the fuck up. I hope they lock your ass the fuck up! You’s a dumb-ass bitch.”
Amber replies by calling Dee a “nigger,” presenting Dee with the opportunity to gather research material for her doctoral thesis: Self Interrogation in Pre-Combat Preparation: Am I Gon’ Have to Choke a Bitch? which will be presented at the Dora Milaje Institute for Ass-Whipping Arts and Sciences next semester.
Now, most people who witnessed what happened next will say that Dee Sands offered “deez hands” because of Amber’s alcohol-fueled use of the n-word. But, aside from the sheer quantity and variety of literal fucks given, anyone who has received an unwanted donation of “that smoke” will recognize the magnitude of Dee’s previous statement.
First of all, Dee said: “you’s a____” which is like an alarm bell in most communities that contain at least three residents who know how to double-dutch. Secondly, a black woman asking why a person said or did something is one thing. But when any woman who sleeps in a bonnet and spent money with the Bronner Bros. ever asks if “you gon’ sit there and” do anything, the only correct response is to abandon everything and run because the shit is about to go down.
And down did “the shit” go.
Dee promptly wraps her “nigger” fingers around Amber the Whine-o’s red neck. While some may see this as an act of violence, it is clear that Dee is performing a wellness check by taking a reading of Amber’s pulse because Dr. Dee explains to her inebriated patient: “You done lost yo motherfucking mind!”
See? She’s concerned with Amber’s mental health.
The flight attendant manages to break up the mid-air melee as Amber recovers from her trachea massage to call Dee a “cunt” multiple times.
I will offer some advice here to all white people: If you want to insult a black person, I suggest starting off with “cunt” and moving on to the n-word. “Cunt” isn’t really an insult that black people care about. Especially after calling me a nigger. It’s like calling me a “cuck” after you’ve called me a “moon cricket.” Maybe start with “Dindu” and escalate things to “smoke monster” before ending with the n-word.
Anyway, Dee Sands won the UFC’s middleweight championship belt (which she kept buckled until the pilot turned off the light) by unanimous decision.
And notice that the flight attendant grabbed the woman who defended his honor but, even when the white woman slung the n-word, screamed multiple epithets and was obviously hammered, that black dude didn’t dare snatch her out of her seat. Amber Not-Alert might be hammered, stupid and racist but the name on the side of the plane informed him why that white woman will never have to worry about repercussions from her racist actions.
She’s on an American airline.