Day 3 of the Perpetual Queasiness That Is the Presidential Election

Illustration for article titled Day 3 of the Perpetual Queasiness That Is the Presidential Election
Photo: Win McNamee (Getty Images)

It’s Thursday. The presidential election was Tuesday. Here is what we know: Nothing and everything.

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We know that there are enough scenarios that exist in which both current President Shaymus Von Spittle and former Vice President Joseph Robinette Biden could be president. We also know that America is still fucked because Democrats couldn’t take over the Senate, but we just don’t know to what degree. If Trump wins, we are super fucked and if Biden wins, we are kind of still super fucked.

The 2020 presidential election has become a goddamn Kandinsky painting or a newspaper game of Sudoku in which we keep plugging in states to see who gets us to 270 electoral votes for the person we want to win (read: Kamala Harris). Depending on whose count you’re using, Joe Biden is ahead 264 or 253 to Trump’s 214.

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So here is what we know and what we don’t know and why all of it matters and doesn’t but totally doesn’t. Several states are still in play and because of this, I’ve been on my third day of dry-heaving and power-eating Election Day snacks, which are now just snacks. Arizona, Nevada, North Carolina, Pennsylvania and Georgia are too close to call so let’s take a closer look, shall we?

Arizona (11 electoral votes):

Look, the only thing I know about Arizona is Maricopa County, which l learned from Joe Arpaio, the racist sheriff that was so racist he went to prison for being racist because he just couldn’t stop being racist. In fact, he was so racist that he was pardoned by the racist-in-chief who excused his racism because racist.

Arizona is looking like it is heading in Joe Biden’s direction, but Atlanta was up 28-3 over the New England Patriots in Super Bowl LI at halftime. Anything can happen.

From CNN:

Arizona still has more than 600,000 ballots remaining to be counted, officials tell CNN.

Between 615,000 and 635,000 ballots, possibly more, remain to be counted in Arizona, according to the officials.

Biden currently leads Trump by about 93,000 votes statewide, 51.% to 47.6%, according to CNN’s latest count. According to informal estimates, Trump would need to win approximately 58% of the outstanding vote to overcome Biden’s lead.

Roughly two-thirds of the remaining votes to be counted come from Maricopa County, home of Phoenix, which Trump won four years ago 49% to 46% over Hillary Clinton, but where Biden currently holds a lead of about 99,000 votes.

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If Maricopa County can change, then anything is possible.

Nevada (6 electoral votes)

If Biden can pull out Arizona and Nevada then that’s ballgame. But Nevada is the goddamn Lauryn Hill of states.

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Nevada is out here counting votes the way that the Cookie Monster counts cookies. Seriously, is any state more diva than Nevada?

Here is a live look at Nevada counting the ballots:

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Come on with it, Nevada! With some 75 percent of the votes counted, Biden has a lead slimmer than an ant’s eyelash but if he can hold on and pull Arizona, we are done.

Georgia (16 electoral votes)

Georgia should be done counting votes sometime today and much like the Popeyes chicken sandwich before it, Georgia continues to make the rest of righteous America sick with their bullshit. Georgia is most likely going to be called for Trump because Georgia is a lot of things but racist is the only one that matters.

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Pennsylvania (20 electoral votes)

It looked like Pennsylvania was going to go to Trump and then, Democratic mail-in votes walked in like:

Gif: Giphy
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“Trump maintained a lead of about 164,000 votes, but that was expected to shrink as more ballots were counted in heavily Democratic areas,” the Washington Post reports.

North Carolina (15 electoral votes)

So here is the thing: Trump’s got a lead in the more progressive Carolina, which I know is like saying the faster Dodge Neon, but like the states before it, that didn’t include all of the provisional and absentee ballots and according to the Post, as of Wednesday night, officials didn’t think they’d have a winner until days from now.

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Meanwhile, the orange White House squatter is losing his shit. Trump and his minions are crying to “Stop the count!” claiming that mail-in votes, which everyone knew were coming and were going to be counted later because Republicans wanted it that way, are somehow not actual votes received on time.

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The funniest part of the “stop the count” movement is that Trump only wants vote counting stopped in Pennsylvania, Georgia and Michigan—a state that he lost—yet wants vote counting to continue in Nevada and Arizona because he believes he can still win. He’s riled up his racist band of idiots so much that some have converged on ballot counting sites to insist that workers stop working.

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Is that not the whiniest band of sore losers you’ve ever seen? All entitled and crying over democracy functioning properly. You love to see it.

And so, we wait with vomit breath hoping that some mix of electoral votes and prayers can lead Kamala Harris to victory.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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DISCUSSION

Look, the only thing I know about Arizona is Las Vegas and Maricopa County, which l learned from Joe Arpaio

Vegas is in Nevada and probably why Joe might win the state. It went for Hillary in 2016 but right now Joe’s only up 8,000 there.

How the hell do 68 million people look at what Trump has done and say “This guy knows what he’s doing!” What the fuck.