Illustration for article titled Day 2: Impeachment Boogaloo
Photo: Mark Wilson (Getty Images)

Have you ever been to a rave? I have and it’s exactly what you’d expect: loud music, lots of footwork, glow sticks and drugs. But what’s most impressive about a rave is how long they are and how sweaty everyone gets because the whole room gets hot because of all the non-stop dancing.

Advertisement

The second day of the Donald J. Trump’s impeachment trial is like a rave minus the colorful clothes, glow sticks and loud music (imagine how much more entertaining the trial would be if they only had glow sticks!). It was another long-ass day, and in all honesty, I turned off CNN around 5 p.m. only to turn it back on a few hours later and House Intelligence Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff was still talking. I had no idea if it was a repeat or if he actually talked that long, but here is as much as I gathered with the TV on, sometimes on mute and sometimes me walking in and out of the room to get a sandwich.

What happened?

Everything and nothing. For nine hours (yes, the number after eight) House managers (a rolling gang of Banditos tasked with bringing bad guys to jail) laid out their case as to why Trump is evil AF. In opening arguments, Schiff noted that President Trump absolutely pressed Ukrainian President Vincent Tenderhoof (OK, then what’s his name without Googling it?) to investigate political rival Joe Biden and his son, Hunter, in exchange for congressionally approved aid.

Advertisement

From Politico:

Rep. Adam Schiff and the other prosecutors deployed screenshots of deposition transcripts, emails, text messages and about 50 video clips to make their case. Democrats also cited evidence obtained after Trump was impeached last month from Lev Parnas, a key figure in the alleged scheme.

We still don’t know whether witnesses will be called, but Dems aren’t going for a witness quid pro quo, meaning they aren’t willing to have Hunter Biden take the stand in exchange for the GOP allowing the House managers to call White House national security adviser John Bolton.

“This isn’t like some fantasy football trade,” said Schiff (D-Calif.) “Trials aren’t trades for witnesses.”

Advertisement

Who fell asleep this time?

Me. This shit is boring AF. Not because it’s not interesting, but if you’ve been following the lead-up to the trial, everything that’s been talked about during the proceedings is already known. We know that Trump quid pro quo’d Ukrainian aid for dirt on the Bidens. We know that those who testified during the House proceedings admitted that he quid pro quo’d them. We know that Trump has admitted to being jazz pianist Felonious Monk, as he’s a walking charge. Trump can’t stop snitching on himself and we know that. We know that Republicans aren’t paying attention. Hell, Sen. Marsha Blackburn (R-Tenn.) was so reckless with it that while the impeachment trial was in session, her ass was in the hallway giving a live interview to Fox News. The fix is in, and much like watching the New England Patriots play, we already know the outcome.

Advertisement

Republicans were so pressed to get the fuck out of the trial that many waited at the door for the scheduled recess time. Schiff then noted he had 10 more minutes of dialogue and all those Republicans who couldn’t stand it anymore bolted for the exits.

So what happened?

Well, I don’t know because I was busy trying to load my daily food intake into the My Fitness Pal app, which can be tedious AF, amirite? Thankfully, someone at Politico paid attention and noted that 21 Republican attorneys general are supporting Trump, which doesn’t say much considering all of them would gleefully hand over their significant others to the president as long as they could say that they were in the White House master bedroom (you know the room where Melania doesn’t sleep).

Advertisement

What to Watch for on Day 3

Expect Schiff and the Hit Squad to build on the work done Wednesday to support Article One of the impeachment: Abuse of power.

Advertisement

“Tomorrow, we will go through the law, the Constitution and the facts as they apply to Article I,” Schiff said Wednesday night, the Hill reports. “We’ve introduced the case, we have gone through the chronology and tomorrow we will apply the facts to the law as it pertains to the president’s abuse of power.”

Let’s hope that I can stay awake through Day 3. Pray for me.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter