Damn, Comey, in High School You Was the Man; WTF Happened to You?

Andrew Harnik/AP Images
Andrew Harnik/AP Images

Today was #ComeyDay, the day that the former FBI director testified in front of a Senate committee about secret stuff that we never get to hear about that goes on between an FBI director and the president of the United States, who, in this case, is also a damn buffoon.


For many people like myself, this was Nerd Superbowl, but halfway through Comey’s testimony, I realized one key thing: Comey sounds like a scorned lover who’s trying to get mutual friends of his ex to side with him. Also, something is just really smarmy about him. I know that on the surface we are supposed to believe that Comey has nothing to gain and is merely telling the truth, but I have a few questions about whether Comey is as believable as he wants us all to think.

Don’t get me wrong; it is #FuckTrump at all times and on all days, but don’t think, just because Comey is helping to bury a president whom I want to see impeached, that Comey’s hands are necessarily clean. He’s still the man who helped get us into this fucked-up mess by inserting himself into the election with his “Hey, y’all, I have something to say about Hillary Clinton’s emails” bullshit.

With that said, let’s take a look at why I don’t fuck with Comey even after his testimony.

Comey Had a Private Dinner With Trump 

Nothing wrong with that, but then he wrote about it like they were lovers who couldn’t quite get on the same page. “He wanted loyalty,” Comey wrote. “All I could promise was honesty.” This whole scene feels like it happened over candlelight: Trump sitting there with his burned steak and large bottle of ketchup, and Comey aghast at the president’s eating habits.

I’m not doubting that any of this happened, but the way it’s described feels like Comey painting the best impression of Comey, and I know that life doesn’t happen this way. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle of all this. I would have preferred if his memo just said: “Had dinner with the president. He asked me for loyalty and that shit threw me for a bit; also, that dirtbag eats way too much fucking ketchup.”

I Don’t Like Smart People Who Act Stupid 

The president never tries to act smart. He’s dumb as a satchel full of walnuts and he knows it. Everyone who supports him tries to use their intelligence to make the dumb shit that he does and says make sense, but we all know that the president is consistently stupid, and I like that about him. I know what to expect.


But I have a major problem with smart people who are really sharp and yet pretend to act as if they have no idea what they’re doing, and Comey reeks of that, especially when it comes to his involvement in the 2016 election and Hillary Clinton’s emails. I won’t drag you back there, but Comey does this thing where he leans into this “unaware of how the world works” bit, which just drives me nuts. When Republican senators pressed him on why he didn’t stand up to the president, he dropped his eyes and kind of cowered into this “If I only had more courage” bullshit act.

Stop. And then stop again, and then stop some more. It’s the same thing my dog does when he pisses in the house. You were the head of the FBI, yet you want us to believe that you didn’t have the backbone to stand up to the president?


 Comey Is Just as Petty as the President 

Let’s follow this series for a second: Comey is fired by the president. Because our president is a teenage girl, he tweets that Comey better hope the conversations between the president and him weren’t taped. Then we learn on Thursday that Comey not only saw the tweet but gave memos that he wrote as FBI director to his professor homie to leak in hopes of opening a special investigation.


If James Comey were a member of the A$AP Mob, he would be A$AP Petty.

If he were a singer, he’d be Petty LaBelle.

I don’t think taking personal memos and giving them to a homie to leak is a crime, but it’s definitely petty larceny.


Stop acting as if exposing the president is truly a matter of protecting the American public. Although it may be, it is also in aid of your true intention, which appears to be getting back at the man who fired you.

Make no mistake about it: Comey helped Comey today, but it just so happens that my interests align with that.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.



If he was a Golden Girl he’d be Petty White.

If he was a kid’s toy he’d be Silly Petty