David Allen Turpin and Louise Anna Turpin, who have been charged with torture and child endangerment (Riverside County, Calif., Sheriff’s Department/Getty Images)

A creepy-looking California couple were arrested after authorities said they found 13 of their offspring, including seven adults, malnourished and chained to beds in their suburban home Sunday.

Critics have wondered why it took so long for authorities to discover the alleged crimes of 57-year-old David Allen Turpin and Louise Anna Turpin, 49. Aside from the fact that everyone, including family members, was mysteriously kept away from the Turpin home and the fact that David had racked up $500,000 in debt despite earning six figures as an engineer at Northrop Grumman, the couple looked like they should have been investigated. Even though Deputy Managing Editor Yesha Callahan has repeatedly warned me never to trust men with bangs, if I saw these motherfuckers in line at Target, I’d call the 911 immediately.

I don’t believe in racial profiling, but if the operator asked me what was wrong, I’d tell him or her: “Look, I know these white people have someone chained up at the crib. I can just feel it!”

But back to the fascinating plot of Taken 2: Wypipo Boogaloo.

Early Sunday morning, a 17-year-old daughter of the Turpins escaped from her shackles, slipped out of a window and dialed 911 on a cellphone that had been deactivated. When she met authorities, she showed them pictures of her brothers and sisters who were being held captive by her parents, according to the Washington Post

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The Riverside County, Calif., Sheriff’s Department looked at the girl’s cellphone photos and decided to perform a welfare check on the home. When officers arrived at the Perris, Calif., home, they discovered 12 of the girl’s siblings all chained to beds throughout the house.

At first the cops thought they had found a bunch of mistreated children, but it turns out that most of the captive Turpin siblings (ranging in age from 2 to 29) were adults and were so egregiously malnourished that cops assumed that they were kids. In fact, the officers initially estimated that the 17-year-old who escaped was only 10 years old.

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I could actually write most of this article with my eyes closed because, before I was assigned this story, I was up in the wee hours of the morning reading about it. Besides being fascinated by the shenanigans of weird Caucasians, my thirst for understanding has always revolved around one central question:

Why are white people like this?

I don’t ask that question rhetorically or with an attempt at humor. I have a serious need to know. I stayed up into the wee hours of the morning investigating this story with no expectation of ever writing about it. I wanted to know for myself, but now that the editorial team at The Root has involved you in my search for answers, here’s what I found at the bottom of the rabbit hole I descended into:

The Turpins have 13 children and have been married for more than 30 years; they renewed their vows in 2015, according to their Facebook page.

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The Turpin family (David Turpin via Facebook)

Aside from their affinity for bangs and Wrangler jeans, they are deeply religious and adhered to the principles of the small-but-growing Christian sect called “QuiverFull.”

I can hear you asking: “What the hell is QuiverFull?” (I have a very good internet connection.)

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Well, you can make a QuiverFull soufflé all by yourself! All you have to do is take the “alt-right,” white supremacist belief of the white genocide movement, sprinkle in a little Christian fundamentalism and—voilà! You’ve now created a brand-new brand of religious philosophy based on Psalms 127:3-5:

3. Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.

4. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth.

5. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.

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QuiverFull is based on the belief that, like pure white people, good Christians are going out of style because they are being outbred by sinners. The only way for God’s people to build an army of Christian conservatives for the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is by abstaining from birth control and ... you guessed it: fucking.

The Duggar family from TLC’s 17 Kids and Counting are one of the more prominent adherents of the QuiverFull philosophy, which borrows much of its ideology from the 1985 book The Way Home, by Mary Pride. The book basically says that feminism has wrongly led women to believe that they can achieve happiness without being married, submitting to their husbands and having children.

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Basically, it’s the belief that women have been indoctrinated with the stupid idea that washing dishes and being obedient to their husbands is not the path to happiness. According to believers, birth control and independence are toxic ideas pushed by the subversive feminist movement to destroy God’s people. (I’m paraphrasing here, but not by much.)

The movement is estimated to have tens of thousands of adherents, mostly in the United States, and has been plagued by accusations of sexual abuse. Apparently, being fruitful and multiplying has a few negative effects.

Many QuiverFull members, like the Turpins, homeschool their children, which explains why no one noticed the lack of nutrition. The grandparents of the children told reporters that the children memorized long biblical passages during their strict homeschooling, and neighbors stated that the children always looked “very pale,” according to The Telegraph.

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The Turpins have been charged with torture and child endangerment. Their bail has been set at $9 million apiece, according to CNN. When asked about bailing the parents out, Liam Neeson did not respond with the following statement:

I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. But if you ... wait ... QuiverFull? Uughhh! Why are white people like this?