For some reason, unbeknownst to god and people who use the word “unbeknownst,” a lawyer named Ed Whelan played a full game of CLUE Thursday in which he not only attempted to solve the the alleged sexual assault of Christine Blasey Ford by Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, but he offered an alternative theory and even named another suspect who he claimed looks like Kavanaugh.
And he did all of this using Google maps and Zillow shots of a house where he believes the assault took place. Yes, you are reading this correctly. He’s a grown man, a lawyer, the head of some place called the Ethics and Public Policy Center. Wait, the Ethics and Public Policy Center (I literally can’t make this shit up) played CSI: Ed Whelan in which he used a series of tweets, Google maps and Zillow home photos to solve a sexual assault case?
Since this batshitly insane, and possibly libelous, theory has been deleted from Twitter, we have to settle for this New York Magazine written account that includes a portion of Whelan’s—presumably a grown man in the year of our lord and savior Serena Williams—crazy as fuck theory. Below is a sampling of Whelan’s evidence.
• A Google map of where Ford, Kavanaugh, and other alleged witnesses lived when they were in high school.
• Real estate photos of the home where Whelan thinks the incident might have occurred, based on Ford saying the house was “not far from” the Columbia Country Club.
• A floor plan that shows that the upstairs bathroom is across from a bedroom in this house, just like Ford described.
• And finally, the big reveal: 35 years ago, this was the home of a Georgetown Prep student who looks kind of like Kavanaugh and was also friends with Mark Judge (who was allegedly present during the assault). Yearbook photos and a current photo of the classmate are provided for comparison to Kavanaugh.
And get this, the man that Whelan indicted as being the actual perpetrator was busy living his best life as a middle school teacher and is now ducking reporters’ phone calls because this dumbass Twitter dick (I don’t mean that in a pejorative way as “dick” is shorthand for detective....nah, I’m playing; he’s a dick) decided to involve him in case that he most likely has nothing to do with all on the basis that he lives close to where the alleged assault occurred and kind of looks like Kavanaugh.
Meanwhile, I went to Whole Foods this morning and ran into five men who also looked like Kavanaugh...Not saying, but totally saying...Fine, Kavanaugh is a nondescript white man.
After several Twitter users pointed out to Whelan that he’s dumb as a rock and possibly going to get sued for his stupid ass theory that could’ve possibly ruined a man’s life, Whelan deleted the string of tweets and issued an apology.
What a dumbass.