Photo: Ethan Miller (Getty Images)

Instead of using logic, reason or his sworn duty to protect his constituents from being shot in the Doritos section of their local Walmart, a U.S. Congressman came up with a particularly personal reason for opposing universal background checks on firearm purchases:

Apparently, people borrow guns from their friends and neighbors.

On Wednesday, Rep. Dan Crenshaw (R-Texas), whose state ranked first in the number of firearm deaths in 2017 (the latest year for which data is available) and hosted the second most mass shootings since 1982, tweeted his opposition to proposed legislation that would close the loophole that allows private sales without background checks in 33 states. Using questionable anecdotal evidence, Crenshaw (who might actually be Mel Gibson in disguise) shared the story of a woman who shot a group of potential attackers.

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The woman in question said she got the gun for protection and made no indication that she was traveling alone but somehow, this heartwarming story prompted the William Wallace of Congress to explain that universal background checks would stop him from loaning his firearms to his buddies.

Now I don’t want to criticize him because this might be something that white people actually do. For years I believed cheery, wide-eyed Caucasian housewives showing up at a new neighbor’s house with ribbons in their hair and a plate of freshly-baked cookies was an overused trope that only existed on television until I moved next door to white people and they showed up at my door with a selection of chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin goodies. They actually do that shit!

Don’t be stupid. Of course I didn’t eat them.

Once, during a co-worker’s birthday party, an unmelanated colleague borrowed my fork to eat a slice of birthday cake as if it was nothing, so, for all I know, white people lending guns to their neighbors might actually be a thing. There might be places where you can check out guns like a community book bank or a local library. Maybe that’s why they don’t want black people in their neighborhoods—because we don’t traditionally share our shotguns. I bet that’s where they spend all the money they save on washcloths.

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Thankfully, I wasn’t the only one who thought Crenshaw’s argument was oddly specific. CNN reports that Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez found it just as strange and challenged Crenshaw’s illogic via Twitter. In response. Crenshaw clutched his pearls and emptied his full clip of whitemannery, accusing Occasio-Cortez of calling his friends criminals.

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Of course, that’s not what she said. But this underscores the point that the only argument against common-sense gun control is a lack of common sense. A 2018 Quinnipiac poll shows that 97 percent of Americans are in favor of universal background checks, 83 percent support a waiting period for firearm purchases and 67 percent are in favor of banning assault weapons. Some of those people probably live in Texas but to be fair, they may have been killed because of the state’s lax gun laws. According to the Giffords Law Center, about 80 percent of all firearms acquired for criminal purposes are obtained from unlicensed dealers who don’t conduct background checks. And 96 percent of people convicted of gun offenses even though they were already banned from owning a firearm, got the gun from an unlicensed seller.

But none of those people were friends of Dan Crenshaw, so…I guess they should be exempt from the law.

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Or maybe he wants a cookie.