Capitol Rioters to Trump: 'I Literally Beg Your Pardon and You Just Gon' Do Me Like This?'

Illustration for article titled Capitol Rioters to Trump: 'I Literally Beg Your Pardon and You Just Gon' Do Me Like This?'
Photo: Win McNamee (Getty Images)

As America recovers from the act of domestic terrorism committed against the U.S. Capitol earlier this month, some participants have expressed regret for...*snickers*...I’m sorry, let me start again.

It turns out not everyone who took part in the violence in D.C. is still proud of...*snickers again*...My apologies, guys, one more time from the top.

Everyone makes mistakes, the important part is that we learn from...

*deep inhale*

AHHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA *wheezes* HA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAH!!!

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*exhales* Lawd, I’m sorry, I’m not usually this unprofessional, I swear.

OK, I’m ready.

According to their attorneys, multiple arrestees who were involved in the Jan. 6, episode of World War Wypipo are feeling betrayed by now-commander-in-absolutely-nothing-but-his-own-Orange-asscrack Donald Trump, who did not include them in the pardoning party that he threw just before leaving office.

Seriously, I can’t be the only one busting a gut over the fact that Lil’ Wayne got a pardon, but Trump’s own cult members are getting the “don’t pass Go, don’t collect $200” routine—this shit is hilarious.

Last week, The Root reported that Jacob Chansley, aka Jake Angeli, aka QAnon Shaman, aka the Last of the Broke-Vegans, aka Breitbart Braveheart, aka Beastiality Baby (OK, I’m making some of these up) requested a pardon from Trump through his attorney, Albert Watkins.

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Watkins said at the time that his client “felt like he was answering the call of our president.” But how could that possibly be true when Fox News and other Republican porn sites have been adamant in reporting that Trump never called for violence at the Capitol?

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“Let’s roll the tape. Let’s roll the months of lies, and misrepresentations and horrific innuendo and hyperbolic speech by our president designed to inflame, enrage, motivate,” Watkins said in explaining why Chansley and other clients of his aren’t the only ones responsible for their own actions. “What’s really curious is the reality that our president, as a matter of public record, invited these individuals, as President, to walk down to the capitol with him.”

I get it, I suppose. Trump filled the QMorons’ heads with “stop the steal” propaganda for months and then when it came time pardon all the crime (you’re supposed to sing that in the tune of Eddie Murphy’s “Party All the Time”), he let his people down. Trump basically hit them with the worst Oprah Winfrey impersonation ever:

“YOU get a pardon, YOU get a pardon, EVERYBODY GETS A PARDON....except you mother fuckers. You hyenas of the Pride Lands can circle-of-life your bitch asses back to the shadowy place.” (It’s possible I get a little too pop culture reference-crazy in some of these write-ups.)

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As for Chansley, Watkins said the Organic Ramen Shaman is really sorry he allowed himself to get conned.

“He regrets very very much having not just been duped by the president, but by being in a position where he allowed that duping to put him in a position to make decisions he should not have made,” Watkins said. “As to my client, the guy with the horns and the fur, the meditation and organic food...I’m telling you that we cannot simply wave a magic wand and label all these people on January 6 the same.”

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See now, that last sentence is where Watkins really loses me. What the fuck does Chansley dressing up like Conan the Kardashian and eating grass-flavored Fruit Roll-ups have to do with him being just as much a domestic terrorist as everyone else who took part in Call of Duty: Wypipo Warfare?

The moral of the story is this: You reap what you...*spits out water*...HAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAH!

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You know what? I’m just going to stop for today. *snickers*

Zack Linly is a poet, performer, freelance writer, blogger and grown man lover of cartoons

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DISCUSSION

These people need to get better lawyers. Their lawyers should not be admitting these things in public, these statements are all admissible in court if it goes to trial. Their attorneys should not be giving any statements at all, they should be focusing on trying to get the best plea deal possible. I know it is an uphill struggle given the weight of evidence, but they really should at least try.