Even if the recent headlines about Mathew Knowles allegedly pilfering Beyoncé's profits are true, any potential conflict that could arise during a Carter-Knowles gathering would cease the minute Mathew appeared with a bucket of Popeye's chicken — Bey's favorite — as a peace offering. Unfortunately for Jay-Z, Solange and Tina, she probably wouldn't share.
Captions by Michael Arceneaux
If there are any Pinkett or Smith cousins itching to show off some talent in front of the family, they might as well save it for recess at their respective schools. Any event featuring Will and Jada's kids will be mainly about Willow and Jaden. Just whip your hair, do a karate kick and accept it.
Lenny Kravitz seems pretty chill, while his ex-wife, Lisa Bonet, looks like the type that could lead a séance at a moment's notice. That makes it difficult to predict what might take place when so many varied personalities — including their eccentric daughter, Zoe — congregate, but if nothing else it would certainly be more interesting than any of the episodes of A Different World featuring Denise Huxtable.
We just assume that if you get all of Bob's kids in one room, there will be a lot of singing and shaking of dreadlocks; maybe some, uh, herbal refreshments; and murmurs about in-law Lauryn Hill's crazy outfit.
La Toya is a conspiracy theorist, Jermaine honestly believes that people still care about him as an entertainer and Joe Jackson is still willing to sell his children down the river for bingo money. It's that kind of erratic behavior that makes family gatherings special … or a nightmare. Still, for all of its circuslike appeal, this reunion would be worth attending only if Janet showed up and Michael's kids engaged in a dance-off with Uncle Tito.
In their appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show, Diana Ross' brood looked to be quite the normal family. But with that gene pool, there has to be at least one or two divas in the bunch. If not, we can at least imagine that Ross and her famous progeny — Tracee, Evan, etc. — enjoy prank-calling Mary Wilson whenever they're together.
Being Bobby Brown offered the kind of ridiculousness that makes reality TV a national treasure. Everyone knows that when Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown link, chaos ensues. But if you throw in a rebellious Bobbi Kristina, a sassy Auntie Dionne Warwick and no-nonsense Cissy Houston, what kind of family reunion is that? Probably something that mirrors an episode of The First 48. Sign us up!
No, this family isn't black, but you've seen the company they keep. A Kardashian family reunion would probably be just like a snippet of one of their many reality shows, just less scripted. You'll either appreciate a Kardashian bash for what it is or bang your head against a wall for a more cerebral form of entertainment.
Tia Mowry is as sweet as her twin sister, Tamera. Brother Tahj seems equally nice, which means that a gathering of this acting family might be as wholesome as one of the episodes of Full House that Tahj guest-starred on. We'd be out of there as soon as we got our plate of ribs and potato salad.
Fans of Braxton Family Values know that while Toni Braxton may be the biggest star in the family, she doesn't win the personality battle among her sisters. Expect lots of laughs, love, shadiness, drinks, complaints and singing when these women get together. Oh, and bring a fire extinguisher. That much fake hair in one room has got to be a fire hazard.
Vanessa and Angela will pose, Diggy will rap, JoJo will try to and their other two siblings will look on as the Rev. Run Simmons jots down random words of wisdom that he copied from refrigerator magnets to share with the masses on Twitter. Russell will be off on the sidelines, doing sun salutations with a supermodel.
Master P (born Percy Miller) has spawned two TV stars with musical aspirations — not-so-lil'-anymore Romeo and Cymphonique — and it only makes sense for Miller family time to be one extra-long freestyle battle. It probably wouldn't be a particularly good one, but if they were rapping on the beat, they wouldn't be Master P's kids. No shade, Mr. P — we'll always dig "Make 'Em Say Uhh!"
There will be lots of jokes, and if the past is prologue, much of the funniest ones will come from underrated Wayans sister Kim. Honorable mention to the newest Wayans-family star, Happy Endings star Damon Jr.
No offense to his talented and beautiful offspring, but we're only here for story time with Quincy.
Anyone who's watched DeBarge's edition of Unsung on TV One or searched that famous last name on TMZ knows that there's a real potential for a DeBarge family reunion to seem like one never-ending AA meeting. However, we'll accentuate the positive and hope that this musical family drops the maudlin for the occasion and performs a rousing rendition of "Rhythm of the Night" to kick-start the celebration.