Bishop Sycamore Under Investigation for Being the Rachel Dolezal of Amateur Sports

It’s been a rough couple of days for Bishop Sycamore High School.

After its football team was revealed to be an elaborate scam on live television this past weekend, the “school’s” flimsy house of cards has come crumbling down faster than you can say, “Which one of you motherfuckers is going to jail first?”

For his role in these shenanigans, head coach Roy Johnson—who has an active warrant out for his arrest (for a domestic violence incident) as well as multiple civil lawsuits breathing down his neck for fraud and other alleged crimes—has been fired, per USA Today. There’s also the fact that four opponents (and counting) have dumped B.S. (see what I did there?) from their remaining football schedules because the absolute worst thing you can do with a steaming pile of dog shit is stand next to it.

“Student safety is our top priority and I can’t ask our student-athletes to take the field next week without knowing more about who they will be facing,” Duncanville ISD Athletic Director Dwight Weaver said in a statement Tuesday. “Our school district’s core values speak to honesty, integrity, ethics, and providing a safe environment for students. This situation calls into question many of those values, so we are canceling this game.”

Of additional note, now Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine has leaped into the fray. As the school’s legitimacy has come into question with former players coming forward with disturbing personal accounts of fraud and neglect, DeWine has launched an investigation to find out what in the hell is going on with the school’s football program.

“Like many Ohioans, I am concerned by the recent reports and questions raised about Bishop Sycamore. While this weekend’s football game brought concerns about the health and safety of players, it also raised red flags about the school’s operations,” DeWine said in a statement. “Schools like Bishop Sycamore have an obligation under Ohio law to meet certain minimum standards. Whether Bishop Sycamore meets these standards is not clear. I have asked the Ohio Department of Education to conduct an investigation into Bishop Sycamore to ensure compliance with Ohio law and to ensure the school is providing the educational opportunities Ohio students deserve.”

Translation: “Which one of you motherfuckers is going to jail first?”

Yet, despite all of this, Bishop Sycamore’s founder Andre Peterson—who was last seen firing off emails promising millions of dollars in exchange for your rent money—insists that his football program isn’t some bootleg Fyre Festival and instead is a legitimate operation.

“There’s nothing that I’ve gotten out of this that would constitute it as a scam because I’m not gaining anything financially from what we’re doing,” Peterson told USA Today. “The reality of it is that I have a son (Javan) that’s also in the program and has been in the program for four years.

“If it’s a scam and the kids are not going to school and not doing what they’re supposed to do, then I’m literally scamming myself. And most importantly, I’m hurting my own son. So when people say stuff like that […] I would literally be taking my son’s future and throwing it in the trash.”

I mean, a scam doesn’t have to be profitable in order to be considered a scam, much like the New York Jets don’t have to be competitive in order to be considered an NFL team. But let me mind my Black-ass business.

All I know is expect some indictments to be handed out soon because somebody’s going to jail over this shit.