Dear Beyoncé and Jay-Z,
Boy, do I have a deal for you! I’d like to present you with the opportunity to own a slightly used, factory-refurbished media organization with more than 100 million visitors per month!
On Tuesday, a guy only identified as “Vince” sent a companywide email to employees announcing that Univision has “initiated a process to explore the sale of Gizmodo Media Group and The Onion portfolio.” The statement, either written by future NBA Hall-of-Famer Vince Carter or the Univision CEO Vincent Sadusky, read, in part:
GMG and The Onion are great assets. I read The Onion regularly in college and the many great Gizmodo brands have become key sources for content to tens of millions of consumers. In the world of digital content players, these brands have withstood a tough marketplace and emerged as longstanding, recognized sources of news, information and entertainment in their verticals.
Bey-Z: Please Buy The Root.
Look, If you two want to take over the universe (which, it seems like you do), the established playbook for interplanetary domination requires that you consolidate your assets into one cross-platform media empire. Where else could you get to own a company with the best black writers, producers, directors and editors in the country?
I’m not writing this because I’m afraid that white people are going to find out what we’re doing over here. They’ll discover that we haven’t hired any of the whites, buy this company, institute a reverse-affirmative action policy and hire a bunch of Connors and Ambers who will eventually file a discrimination claim about the staff making mayonnaise and unseasoned chicken jokes.
This is not about me at all.
I’m just trying to help you out.
Jay, you already own Tidal (which, I’m sure would be offered free to your new employees) but you need more. And Beyoncé’s Coachella performance should have been streamed on her own site that also offers Rocawear and Ivy Park apparel at discount prices.
We recently wrote about the trailer for Rest in Power, the upcoming Trayvon Martin documentary. What the hell is the Paramount network? Does anyone even watch TV anymore? The internet is where it’s at! You need to jump on this before someone like Jeff Bezos steals your thunder!
The Carter clan could become the next intergenerational media dynasty if you controlled your own TV, movie, streaming and news service. Once Rumi finishes Harvard and Blue Ivy turns down the offer to serve on the Supreme Court, what are they going to do with their lives? How will you ensure that Sir and his wife Umbrella Fenty-Carter can carry on your legacy?
Buy The Root!
Besides being the biggest and most popular black news site, The Root is one of the fastest-growing outlets on the internet! While every other source on the web is shrinking, we’ve been growing like crazy!
Whenever people talk about mainstream sites, “mainstream” is just a euphemism for “white.” But The Root’s audience is larger than many of the Caucasian-centered sites that would never cover the news that affects black people.
Did USA Today embed a reporter at the Stephon Clark protests? Would the Washington Post investigate problems at HBCUs or look into the poisoning of Alabama’s Black Belt? Who else would do a 10-part documentary on the Memphis Sanitation Strike that led to Dr. Martin Luther King’s death?
The Root, that’s who.
You think the New York Times would send a journalist to cover Pennsylvania’s attempt to railroad Dr. Umar Johnson’s trial? Regardless of how you feel about him, the only reason people still refer to him as “Dr.” Umar is because The Root ended the speculation by verifying that he has a Ph.D.
And when it comes to witty, unapologetic commentary, only The Root can give you paragraphs like this:
I’m a Kellyanne Conway birther.
That’s right. I am going to need proof that Kellyanne Conway is alive and not just a skeleton covered in provolone cheese wearing a bank-robber wig that is attached to a series of pulleys that make her arms and mouth move.
Until then, I have to address Kellyanne Conway as the skeletal remains of someone named Kellyanne Conway. Or simply: Skellyanne Conway.
Or titles like this:
And if you act now, we’re prepared to offer all of the Kinja sites, which include:
Very Smart Brothas: Black. Smart. Funny. That’s all you need to know. They’ve become the cultural critics for black America.
Kotaku: It’s listed as a site for gaming news and culture, but I’m pretty sure that Kotaku is actually a form of martial arts. I actually earned my blue belt in Kotaku in 1998 and could have earned a black belt, but I wasn’t too good at swinging nunchucks.
Deadspin: The best sports site on the internet. It’s also the site to first publish the seminal work “The Caucasian’s Guide to Black Barbecues” that started the whole “invited to the cookout” trend. I can’t recall the name of the author, but I hear he’s a decent writer.
Jezebel: Far be it from me to give you career advice, but if you want to go anywhere in this world, you’re gonna need white women on your side. White women love Jezebel. And Beyoncé. I’d say that’s a twofer.
Lifehacker: Whether you need to know how to reset your MacBook Pro to factory settings or how to perform open-heart surgery with a butterknife and Phillips head screwdriver, Lifehacker knows. I don’t know how they know all that shit, but those motherfuckers are smart as hell. I’ve met members of every staff at GMG except the people at Lifehacker because I think the site is run by artificial-intelligent bots from the future. Think of all the health insurance benefits you wouldn’t have to pay!
The Onion and Clickhole: I’ve been reading the Onion since I was in college and while I tend to find white people’s humor more amusing than funny, I can vouch for the hilariousness of these sites. And despite the name, the Clickhole does not feature robot porn.
We’ll also throw in The Takeout, Earther, Gizmodo, Splinter and The A.V. Club.
According to the Wall Street Journal, Univision valued the entire GMG portfolio at $1 billion, but I’m sure I could get you a discount (for a small finder’s fee, of course). I know that seems like a lot of money for most people, but I bet that you could find that much loose change by checking under the couch cushions in Blue Ivy’s retreat in the south wing of the
We’re even willing to make some changes. We have already informed our weekend social media editor Corey Townsend that he’d have to change his Twitter handle from “The Beyoncé of The Root” if the Carter family purchases our company. He indicated that he’d be willing to do it in exchange for, and I quote: “The opportunity to touch the hem of Beyonce’s garment.”
I told him that I’m not sure Bey’s onesies have hems, but we could work that part out during the negotiation process. Staff writer Monique Judge says she just hopes you invite Cardi B to the next Root 100.
In the spirit of transparency, I must warn you that you will inherit a few longstanding beefs if you purchase The Root. Tucker Carlson hates us. The Hotep community isn’t particularly fond of us. Ted Cruz, Breitbart, conservatives, white liberals, white feminists, Sean Hannity, Tomi Lahren, Richard Spencer, and Horse Twitter have all started feuds with us in the past.
Think about how cool it would be for Jay-Z to change the first line of “Public Service Announcement” to: “Allow me to reintroduce myself! My name is Hov, H to the O-V; C.E.O. of the R.O.O.T.!”
Bey, if you burst into the office every morning screaming, “OK, writers let’s get in formation,” no one would even mind.
Now, I perfectly understand if owning your own international media outlet that reaches a bigger audience than HBO, Fox News and Spotify combined doesn’t interest you. But if you pass on this offer, could I ask one last favor?
Would you happen to have Oprah’s number?
The Root staff