Baker Mayfield Is a Coward, Cam Newton Did Damage and Other Takeaways From Week 1 of the NFL

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Thanks to COVID-19, Sunday Funday isn’t really a thing anymore. But if you think something as silly as a global pandemic would stop the NFL from seizing control of our TV sets and putting its multi-million dollar assets to work, you’re sadly mistaken.


Sunday provided sports junkies with our long-overdue fix, and in case you missed out on a bunch of 300-pound brutes trying to inflict compound fractures and shoulder dislocations on each other, here are some takeaways from Week 1 of the NFL.

Baker Mayfield Proves Allyship Is a Complete Waste of Black People’s Time

Much like Chris, everybody hates Baker Mayfield.

The fact that he played like dog shit last season probably didn’t help, but after America experienced a White Renaissance of sorts after the death of George Floyd at the hands of Minneapolis police officers, Baker did the unthinkable: He actually tried to be likable.

There’s been plenty said about white folks standing idly by while Black folks fight tooth and nail for our dignity, humanity and freedom, and perhaps seeing the error in his inaction, Baker announced his intention to peacefully protest during the national anthem by taking a knee.

When pressed by a fan in June as to whether he would be taking a knee, the latest entry in the Cleveland Browns’ quarterback carousel defiantly stated, “Pull your head [out of your ass]. I absolutely am.”

Cool story, bro.

As someone who’s spent their entire life being either being discriminated against, outwardly maligned or disappointed by white folks, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. But in true Baker form, not only did he fail to deliver—like he did when he threw an interception during the Browns’ opening drive on Sunday—but he somehow made the situation infinitely worse.


The day before the Browns season opener, the world’s worst performative ally hopped on Patti and Gladys’ internet to announce that he’s also a fucking coward.

“I have been showed that a gesture such as kneeling will only create more division or discussion about the gesture, rather than be a solution towards our country’s problem at hand,” he wrote.


The fact that he perceives protesting against the injustices that Black people have faced as “creating division” is prototypical unseasoned logic, but it proves that yet again, they’ll talk the talk, but leave the walk to the folks that look nothing like them.


So you were down for the cause until a bunch of rednecks and racists blew up your Twitter mentions?


Okay. Well, fuck you too, Baker.

I Can’t Root for Cam Newton Anymore

I spent like 20 years waiting for the Patriots to be trash. Then when the opportunity finally presented itself, Cameron Jerrell Newton threw on the cape and became Captian-Save-a-Bellicheat.


To be clear, I want Cam to thrive. After signing for pocket lint after the entire league left him for dead, I would like nothing more than for Cam to prove everyone wrong and dominate this season. Buuuuuut I also need this nigga to lose because every sensible Black person despises the Pats and nothing would make me happier than to watch them magically transform into the Jaguars.


Sadly, that might not happen this season as Cam got busy in the Pats season opener. He threw for 155 yards and ran for 75 more, in addition to scoring two rushing touchdowns.


“He’s a very, very unselfish player,” Belichick said after the game. “He’s a great teammate.”

He’s also an asshole who needs to stop winning games.


Colin Kaepernick Reminds Everyone the NFL Is Full of Shit

On the same day NFL players did this:


He Who Shall Not Likely Ever Play In the NFL Again did this:


“While the NFL runs propaganda about how they care about Black Life, they are still actively blackballing Eric Reid (@E_Reid35) for fighting for the Black community,” Kap tweeted on Sunday. “Eric set 2 franchise records last year, and is one of the best defensive players in the league.”

Remember once upon a time in March when ESPN listed the best 15 remaining free agents and Reid came in 7th? In the months since, every single player above him has been signed—including a decrepit Jason Peters—while five players listed below him have been snatched up too. (It would be six, but Clay Mathews turned down an offer from the Broncos.)


Coincidence? I think not.

Especially coming off of a season in which Reid broke not one, but two Carolina Panthers single-season records for sacks and tackles for a defensive back. 


So why is Reid not in the league? The same reason Kap isn’t; because he’s been far too vocal about holding police accountable and addressing social justice issues in our society. The same thing people like Baker Mayfield are too afraid to do themselves because they’re fucking cowards.

Meanwhile, the Cowboys sure as hell could’ve used Reid on Sunday after embarrassing themselves, but you knew that already.



You left out Aaron Rodgers is still a bad man. Russell Wilson is underappreciated. Jimmy G sucks. Kyler Murray and DeAndre Hopkins will make beautiful music together. Larry Fitzgerald is a pro in so many ways. Josh Allen is still inaccurate as hell but with that defense it may not matter. The Lions are still The Lions. The Jets are a shit show. The Raiders may be better than people think. The Eagles may be worse than people think. Philip Rivers is still a choker. Gardner Minshew is fun as hell. The Browns need an exorcism. The Bengals still can’t buy a break. Aaron Donald is a fucking beast. The Dallas Cowboys are still poorly coached. Washington has a defensive line that will win it 6-8 games. Tom Brady was declining the last two seasons and he is now in a division where he is not the best quarterback. This may end badly As for Mr. Kaepernick. Kap needs to vote. Until he makes up for “Hillary and Trump are the same” he can save me the fake outrage.