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White Meats I Personally Find Much Sexier Than Blake Shelton, Ranked
20. Chicken lunch meat 19. Chicken McNuggets 18. Uncooked Oscar Mayer turkey bacon 17. Turkey lunch meat 16. Campbell’s chicken-noodle-soup chicken 15. The tiny white cubes found in mortadella 14. The fatty part of the Easter ham my mom used to make that she’d chop up and put into eggs for breakfast and make them…
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White People Are Weird! Why Are Y’all So Damn Weird? Can Y’all Stop Being So Damn Weird?
Others, including The Root’s staff writer Michael Harriot, have already written about the support Sean Hannity received after some of his sponsors cut ties with him for having alleged child molester Roy Moore on his show to explain his tendency to date teens. We know, already, that this support at all costs is hypocritical. And…
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How, if You’re a Man, to Deal With the Fact That You’re Probably Trash
The one thing I keep coming back to when thinking about Louis C.K. now isn’t the bizarre and abusive sexual habits revealed, in detail, last week by the New York Times—repeated forms of sexual misconduct that confirm the long-standing rumors about him and validate platforms such as Gawker, which first reported on this several years…
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Ways Jason Whitlock Probably Reacted After Learning GQ Named Colin Kaepernick Citizen of the Year, Ranked
10. Took a really long shower. Not a Silkwood shower where he furiously scrubbed his skin, but one of those 40-minute-long soapless showers where you just lean up against a wall letting the water hit your back while you ponder the inescapable vastness of the void. 9. Called Jeff George just to invite him over…
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4 Underrated Things About NYC From a Guy Who Doesn’t Hate It There as Much as He Used To
So, the title is somewhat misleading. Even though every time I’m there it’s cold and hot and wet and generally smells like a lit candle stuck in a pigeon’s ass, I never actually hated New York City. I just felt uneasy, awkward and overwhelmed. Basically, visiting New York City is like watching Funny Games. But…
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The Most Useless Types of White People, Ranked
10. The “I would have voted for Obama again” guy, which, since a three-term presidency is literally not possible right now, is like saying, “I totally would have killed a velociraptor, dude. Totally.” 9. The “Why can’t we just forget about our differences and come together?” guy, who’s usually the exact-same guy as the “I…
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The White Woman Who Got Fired for Giving Trump the Finger Is the Blackest Thing That Ever Happened This Week
To be clear, I am not interested in any honorary blackening or distributing any sort of cookout invitations to Juli Briskman, the white woman fired from her marketing-company job after a photo of her flipping the bird at a Trump motorcade went viral. Because while Juli might very well be swell, I don’t know her…
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Perhaps He’s ‘Corny,’ but Russell Wilson Would Definitely Whoop Your Ass (and Future’s Too, if It Ever Came to That)
I’ve stayed away from the recent round of Crunchy Sock Twitter’s discontentment with Russell Wilson’s very public display of affection for his wife, Ciara. Because I’ve written about it before. A few times, actually. And what more can really be said about people so invested in Ciara’s unhappiness—and the perpetual unhappiness of other black women…
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Trump Found a White Dude Named ‘Jerome’ to Be in Charge of Our Money Because Nothing Makes Sense Anymore
I’ve been in airports and on airplanes all day, dealing with shitty cellphone signals and shittier airport Wi-Fi for the last few hours, so when I finally was able to get online just now after landing in Pittsburgh, I checked Twitter to see if anything particularly newsworthy had happened while I was offline. First I…
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10 Cringeworthy Things Every Black Person Born Between 1975 and 1985 Did in Their Teens and 20s, Ranked
10. Performed spoken-word poetry that included either aggressive enunciations of “clitoris” or a line about how “justice” ain’t “just us” because it “just ain’t for us” 9. Strongly considered selling Pre-Paid Legal 8. Either had sex with Timberlands and socks still on or had sex with someone with Timberlands and socks still on 7. Believed…
