-
20 Questions for the Heathens Who Refuse to Eat at Chain Restaurants
1. Who raised you? 2. No, seriously. Who raised you? Asking because I need to know who your parental figures are so I can reach out to them and tell them that they raised a child who acts like they’re too good for Burgatory. 3. What did Burgatory ever do to you, except offer delicious…
-
Is It a Coincidence That Today’s Most Outspoken Black Male Athletes Are Married to Black Women? (Hint: Nah)
In 2005, Kanye West articulated the perceived inevitability of successful black men leaving black women for white women in “Gold Digger”—a song 1) in which he was speaking specifically to black women and 2) that he created while he was likely dating either Alexis Phifer or Brooke Crittendon (actual black women). Considering Kanye’s present life,…
-
Who Said Dreams Don’t Come True? Red Lobster Debuts Lobster and Cheddar Bay Biscuit Waffles
Remember, like, two hours ago when I said that no one gives a shit about your dreams? Because dreams are so exclusive and hyperesoteric that they don’t have any real meaning to anyone else? Well, I take that all back! It’s all lies! Because I’ve definitely had dreams about waffles. And I’ve had dreams about…
-
Things About You That No One Actually Gives a Shit About, Ranked
15. Your dreams (and not like your hopes and dreams and shit—people should care about those—but the dream you had last night about clowns and chicken-fried tofu. No one cares). 14. Your unsolicited dating preferences. 13. Your parenting advice if you’ve never had children and your marriage advice if you’ve never been married (also, it…
-
The ‘Dread Train,’ Where (White) People Tie Their Dreadlocks Together, Is More Proof That White People Must Be Stopped
If you’re as big a fan of True Romance as I am—and consider it, as I do, the quintessential Tony Scott film—perhaps you’ve imagined how it would look if Drexl (the dreadlocked pimp played by Gary Oldman) and Floyd (the perpetually stoned roommate played by Brad Pitt) decided to clone themselves a dozen times, and…
-
If You’re a Person Who Says ‘I Just Respect Your Vision and I Want to Build With You,’ Please Stop Doing This
Because as Luvvie articulated a few weeks ago, it is the global mantra of professional time wasters. Because it’s ice-breaking and networking jargon that doesn’t actually mean anything (no, seriously—it doesn’t mean anything). Because what the hell do you want to build? A fondue castle? A Lego playground? An Ikea bookcase? Because even if you…
-
If I Wanted to See 2 70-Year-Old White Men Fight, I’d Go to Cracker Barrel This Weekend
I know, I know, I know, I know. Joe Biden is everyone’s cool and tough septuagenarian home slice. And while I’m not in the business of granting white people invites to the mythical and now waaaaaaay overcrowded cookout, I know “Uncle Joe” is on a lot of people’s invitee lists. (Also, if he is invited…
-
Why Are White Men So Angry?
Of course, this is a question that has been asked (and answered) myriad times already—particularly when another Charlottesville, Va., happens, or another Mark Anthony Conditt or Adam Lanza or Dylann Roof or Stephen Paddock decides, with no clear provocation, to weaponize his anger and murder people. These are men who exist in a country where…
-
I Had a Panic Attack Last Month, and It Felt Like I Was Dying
It should be good news when you learn that the episode that brought you to the emergency room at Shadyside Hospital, which is where you drove the day after you felt like you were dying, was neither a heart attack nor a stroke. You’d suspected that what happened to you might have been one of…
-
Days Black People Are Most Likely to Be Called the N-Word, Ranked
1. St. Patrick’s Day 2. New Year’s Eve 3. Wednesday (any) 4. Columbus Day 5. The anniversary of the O.J. Simpson verdict 6. MLK Day 7. The night of a presidential election 8. Memorial Day 9. Mardi Gras 10. Black Friday 11. Saturday (any) 12. The Fourth of July 13. The first of the month…
