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When You Share Your Mess With the Public, the Public Will Share (and Talk About and Joke About) Your Mess. Duh!
During their now viral appearance on The Breakfast Club Thursday morning—and after DJ Envy pulled the greatest stunt of illogical beige rage since G Money in New Jack City—Kid Mero appeared to throw DJ Envy a bone. While admitting that husbands can (and should) be sensitive about their wives, he shared a story about chasing…
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Pittsburgh to Replace America’s Most Racist Statue With Statue of a Black Woman
Remember this? Please, people of Pittsburgh, I implore you. Do not topple this statue. At least, not until I drive by it again so I can hug it, take a selfie with it and maybe take it on a date, too. I just hope magical Negroes love chorizo. No, you don’t remember that at all?…
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The Creation of the Avocado Toast Cocktail Is the Whitest Thing That Has Ever Happened
My eyes have seen some pretty damn white things. I once saw a single speck of pepper on top of a presumably seasoned chicken breast placed on my plate at a white person’s wedding in 2003. When I quickly glanced into the serving tray to see if, perhaps, this single peppered breast was rogue, an…
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Why I Don’t Have Any White Friends, Explained
Huh? It was when I was 17: The Pittsburgh Zoo made this big stink about getting a polar bear—press releases and parties and polar-bear-themed brunches and shit—despite the fact that they already had perfectly fine (and strikingly handsome) black and brown bears. I saw that as a metaphor for America, and I pledged to never…
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Why Don’t We Tip Fast-Food Workers?
I didn’t know you were supposed to tip bartenders until I was 25 years old. And then, I only learned because I was tip-shamed by a woman I was dating. She saw I didn’t leave a tip on the Long Island iced teas I’d ordered for both of us (again, I was 25) and asked,…
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The Best Thing About Atlanta, the Best Show on Television
During “Sportin’ Waves,” the episode of Atlanta that aired Thursday night, Earn received a generous and unexpected payout from Darius’ puppy-related investments in season 1. Armed with this unanticipated cash, the still-homeless and aggressively underemployed Earn invests it in a gift card scheme suggested by Tracy, a recently paroled houseguest of Paperboi’s, who claims that…
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You Have to Be Perfect or Lucky (or Perfect and Lucky) to Buy a House If You’re Black
I’ve learned through age, maturity, meditation and Lisinopril to not allow myself to be bothered with certain things that might have irked me 10 or even five years ago. Basically I’m learning to give less fucks because fucklessness is a form of self-care for me. But there is (at least) one strain of conversation that…
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Experiment Proves That Conservatives Are Little Baby Snowflakes Who Act the Way They Do Because Everything Terrifies Them
The most obvious answer when attempting to find the root cause for certain Americans being so obsessed with guns is fear. These people are scared of something—irrelevance, anarchy, immigrants, black people, aliens, Black Panther Build-a-Bears—and this fear drives them to amass arsenals and fight against even the idea of any sort of restriction. They attempt…
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Betsy DeVos Is the World’s Most Useless White Woman
Of course, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos is not the world’s most useless white person. That title belongs to sentient-pile-of-shredded-Monopoly-money-lining-an-albino-hamster’s-cage Jared Kushner, who has somehow managed to stay dead in the center of every Trump-related scandal despite the fact that no one knows what he does or did before whatever he’s doing now, or even what he…
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Negative Parenting Milestones They Don’t Tell You About in Baby Books
I don’t remember the first time I bumped the back of my daughter’s head on the top of the passenger-side rear door when attempting to put her in the car seat, but I remember the last time I did it—Saturday afternoon. We were on our way to Whole Foods (whose hot bar is a surprisingly…
