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I Felt Bad About Forgetting to Close My Garage Door Yesterday, But Then I Remembered I'm Not Bruce Hay
And I feel much better. Also, this blog is over now! Go continue the rest of your not-being-Bruce-Hay day! Bye!
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10 Burning Questions for David E. Kelley About That Big Little Lies Finale
1. Wait…what? 2. I mean I know we got to see Mary-Louise versus Celeste and Mary-Louise versus Renata and Mary-Louise versus Madeline and Renata versus the trains and Jane versus her bangs, but you brought this whole entire ass show back just to conclude it with a group of white women escorting a black woman…
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Yeah, Donald Trump’s a Racist…and So Was Every Other American President
Remember that scene in literally every superhero origin story, when the superhero person did some super shit in public for the first time, and most people who witnessed it were like, “Whoa!!! That was some super shit! Who knew we had super people here?” (And then a few are like, “Well actually what just happened…
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Why Calling the Cops on White People Is a Great Form of Self-Care
Yoga is cool. Exercise is fine. Sex is great. Rest is sublime. But if you really want to practice an exciting and efficient version of self-care, try calling the police on random white people. You will be refreshed, you will be fulfilled, it will complete you.
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How to Have an ‘Appropriately Chilled Kombucha Boy Summer’
It’s mid-July, which means it’s almost August, which means it’s almost fall, which means it’s almost that time of year when everything dies, which means you’ll soon be contemplating your own dwindling mortality and inevitable death. Since we don’t have much time left, we need to spend as much of it as possible living our…
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I've Been Married For 5 Years and I Still Don't Know What to Call My Mother-In-Law
Later this month, my wife and I will celebrate our five year anniversary. Which feels like an accomplishment. Not because getting and staying married makes you any specialer than those who ain’t either of those things, but because I think we know each other well enough now to make a pragmatic decision on whether to…
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I'm My 'Ancestors' Wildest Dreams?' Nah, Bruh. I Ain't That Special
Maybe 15 years ago, upset that I couldn’t remember the details of these epic dreams I kept having, I started leaving a notebook at my bedside to jot them down. “Ha!,” I thought to myself, as I believed I finally found a method to capture my subconscious. “I’m clever as fuck!,” I also thought to…
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The Case for Washcloths: Why White People Need to Wash Their Damn Legs
I really don’t know what to write to introduce this video, so I’m just going to be literal. It has recently been revealed, through various social media platforms, that some people who happen to be white have boycotted the entire leg- and hand-washing experience. This information was—and is—well, perplexing, and I try to make sense…
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White People Are Boring
Soggy toilet paper sheet repurposed as a mesh romper for bougie chipmunks David Brooks emerged from his seltzer waterbed today to warn us that the Democrats will definitely lose the Presidential election if we don’t remember to be as damp as he is. He is maybe not wrong—perhaps a can of La Croix might have…
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How It Feels to Be ‘Inside Out’ After 40 Years of Keeping Everything In
“I didn’t expect to know this much about your dick.” I don’t know where to start, so I’ll just start with the bar I sat at while writing this. No alcohol was served or consumed, but I could see my three tour companions: a bottle of Cutty Sark and a bottle of Lazzaroni—the ingredients for…
