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The White House Confirms That the President Can Read and Also Make Poopies By Himself
I have two children under the age of 3, which basically means I’m tired of clapping. In my house, as with most houses with toddlers, we clap for everything. Literally everything. Basically my job as the father is to hype my children up like they just broke an Olympic record that’s been standing for hundreds…
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Fox & Friends to Trump: Please Wear a Mask Over Your Anus-Like Mouth (I’m Paraphrasing a Bit)
The shadow president known to the American public as Fox News is getting tired of Trump’s shit and has asked, practically begged, the president of people who fry snacks to wear a goddamn mask over his anus-shaped pie hole because he’d be modeling good practices and would stop being such a dick. “I think that…
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It Took 3 Hours to Delete the President’s ‘White Power’ Tweet Because No One Could Reach Him. He Was Out Golfing…During a Pandemic
I stand before you ashamed. I never thought that I would have to apologize to you but I must. See, all this time I’ve been arguing that a racist third-grader has been widely tweeting from the president’s official Twitter account and I was wrong. Grossly wrong. Not only did it turn out that the president…
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Trump Was Briefed on Russian Bounties, So Why Is Everyone Lying?
Trump knew. Everyone in the White House knows he knew. But the company line is to protect the president, so everyone in the White House is lying. It’s kind of the White House’s thing. According to CNBC, President Donald Trump and everyone in the White House that is privy to this kind of information knew…
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Trump Continues to Weaponize Twitter and Sharon Shows Karens How to Be an Ally
For President Trump, Twitter serves several purposes. First, it is his bully pulpit (more bully than pulpit) in which he vaguely threatens and intimidates rivals. Second, it’s his unfiltered voice to his people, which basically serves as a virtual “yee-haw” to round up the good ole boys. Lastly, it’s his masturbatory aid to continuously pat…
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Trump’s Latest Comments About Blacks Thanking Him for His ‘Law and Order’ Approach Is Right Out of the Slave Master’s Playbook
President Donald Trump claims that “Blacks” come up to him and say things like “I love you” and “You’re doing a great job” and “Thank you for moving us out of this rat-infested hell!” I just have one question: When did Van Jones live in a rat-infested hell? I kid. I actually have more questions,…
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Dead Folks Out Here Living: Treasury Sent $1.4 Billion in Stimulus Payments to People Who Are No Longer With Us
Well, this is awkward. A government watchdog group has found that more than a million Americans who have left the Earth and their respective banking accounts have received COVID-19 stimulus payments, according to a report (pdf) released to Congress, Thursday. NBC News reports that the Government Accountability Office, which is an independent nonpartisan congressional agency,…
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We Still Need to Talk About Rep. Matt Gaetz’s ‘Son’ Nestor
I have started this column at least three times but I feel like you should know this before I begin. The Root doesn’t wade in the kiddie pool. We have no problem destroying your least favorites and your favorites, but like the mafia, we have rules. We don’t go after kids, ever. So we kicked…
