The White House Confirms That the President Can Read and Also Make Poopies By Himself

I have two children under the age of 3, which basically means I’m tired of clapping.

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In my house, as with most houses with toddlers, we clap for everything. Literally everything.

Basically my job as the father is to hype my children up like they just broke an Olympic record that’s been standing for hundreds of years. And I do my job well. In fact, the other day my 9-month-old daughter took a french fry off her brother’s plate, fought him off from trying to take it from her and then took a gummy bite out of it before he stole it back.

These were my phases of cheering:

Me during the fight stage:

Me when she finally got to take a bite:

Me when it was all over:

These are my babies and I’m supposed to cheer for them. That’s how it works. I’m a dad and it’s my job. Doesn’t mean I don’t get tired, but I fully understand that this is my role.

White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnanyOfTheState knows this pain. I don’t know if she has children, but I know that her job is to continuously applaud the president’s stupid shit as if he’s done something amazing. She’s a clapper. She’s paid to be.

On Tuesday, McEnanyOfTheState walked out to the White House Press Briefing Room podium and said “The President made pee pee by himself in the potty!” and expected a room full of the finest journalists not to look at her like “Bitch, are you serious?!”

McEnanyOfTheState literally held a last-minute press briefing just to defend President Trump against accusations that he doesn’t give a fuck about American troops since he was briefed on Russia offering bounties to Taliban for American kills. McEnanyOfTheState basically walked out the podium and said, despite The Root’s Senior Writer Michael Harriot’s attempts to prove that the president is illiterate, he can read and he’s the most informed person in the entire United States. Yep, both of these are basically the lowest level requirements of a president, or in toddler terms, “Did baby spit on her chin? Did baby spit on her chin?”

The Secretary of Clapping for the President playing with stacking blocks held the briefing as a response to Trump’s rival Joe Biden, aka “Robinette,” blasting the commander in chief for claiming not to know about Russian bounties on American troops. The White House has claimed that the information they received wasn’t verified or credible and it never reached Trump because there wasn’t a consensus about whether he would give a shit anyway.

Now reports have found that information about Russian bounties “was included in a President’s Daily Brief sometime in the spring, according to a US official with direct knowledge of the latest information,” CNN reports. “That assessment, the source said, was backed up by “several pieces of information” that supported the view that there was an effort by the Russian intelligence unit — the GRU — to pay bounties to kill US soldiers, including interrogation of Taliban detainees and electronic eavesdropping.”

Everyone inside the White House and out knows that Trump doesn’t read the brief he’s given every morning because he struggles with big words like “betrayal” and “turncoat” and “Apprentice thottie.” Instead, he asked that he be orally briefed by South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham, who heard the word “oral” and got all excited until he learned that it just meant reading shit the president won’t read.

“The President does read and he also consumes intelligence verbally,” she said when questioned why Trump isn’t reading his daily briefings.

“This President, I will tell you, is the most informed person on planet Earth when it comes to the threats we face,” McEnany added, pointing to regular phone calls between Trump and his national security adviser Robert O’Brien. “He is constantly being informed and briefed on intelligence matters. But I’m not going to allow The New York Times to dictate when we give top-secret information and don’t give top-secret information.”

Remember that the company line when the news first broke was that the president didn’t know. Now, the president did know as it was in the briefing he doesn’t read and he’s the most “informed person on the planet.” So which one is it? Did he know or nah? We know his ass knew and he didn’t care. This is all happening as the president is working to ease sanctions on his bae, Russian President Vladimir Putin.”The President has been briefed on what is unfortunately in the public domain,” McEnany said, CNN reports. “He has been briefed, but that does not change the fact that there is no consensus on this intelligence that still has yet to be verified.”

She added: “Also the president make one stinky in diapey, and ate all his peas.”

OK, fine. She didn’t say the last part.