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President Face-Skin Doesn’t Match His Neck-Skin Calls Impeachment Hearings a ‘Big Time Hoax’
Stop me if you’ve heard this before. Seriously, stop me. Why aren’t you stopping me? The president got in front of cameras with his face all orange-y and his neck all white before leaving to go to London to argue some NATO shit that he doesn’t understand and told the cameras that the impeachment hearing…
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We Knew It: Melania Trump Reportedly Sleeps in the Guest Bedroom Where Michelle Obama’s Mom Used to Stay
Melania Trump is no damsel in distress; in fact, she’s a calculated genius (if her visa is to be believed) who plotted on the old orange man with the attractive bank account. But unless Scrooge McDuck sleeps with his money, Melania reportedly has no interest in laying next to his old wrinkly ass. And that…
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Trump Administration Continues Descent Into Hell, Seeks to Deport Immigrant Children With Life-Threatening Illnesses
The stale swamp water that is the Trump administration has issued a policy change that would deport hundreds of immigrant children with life-threatening illnesses, because the Trump administration is dog shit. From CBS News: A vibrating vest, nebulizer, and special medication help keep 16-year-old Jonathan Sanchez alive. He’s battling cystic fibrosis, a life-threatening disorder damaging…
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Fredo Jr. Headlined a Rally in Kentucky and It Was a Total Disaster
Donald Trump Jr. headlined a rally in Kentucky and he could’ve given the exact same speech in his bathroom and it would’ve been better attended. The rally on Thursday afternoon for Kentucky Gov. Matt Bevin was so bad that people wondered if it was co-sponsored by Ja Rule. According to Newsweek, the rally was so…
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Trump’s Personal Assistant Resigns Because She Couldn’t Stop Flossin’ and Spilling Tea
A white woman with arguably the whitest name ever is no longer working in the Whitest House after reports that she shared some inner secrets about the president’s family with reporters. According to Politico, Madeleine Westerhout, of the New England Westerhouts (I have no idea if there is Westerhout lineage in New England, but it…
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Yes, the President Patted His Leg for Melania to Walk to Him Like a Dog and Let’s Stop Acting Surprised
If we were going to encapsulate the president’s presidency in one moment, it would be a split screen of him placing his McDonald’s order on one side and him admitting to grabbing unsuspecting women by their genitalia on the other. Fine, that’s two moments, but let’s break them down, shall we? Nothing says I’m a…
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Watch: Chris Cuomo Cuts Trump Minion Interview Short After She Refuses to Admit the President Lies
CNN host Chris Cuomo once threatened to throw a guy down a flight of stairs for calling him “Fredo.” And by once, I mean earlier this month. So it’s with that I say that Cuomo has little patience for dumb shit. On Wednesday he had Kayleigh McEnany, a spokeswoman for President Trump’s reelection campaign, on…
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Sasha Obama Is Reportedly Taking Her Talents to the University of Michigan
Forever President Obama’s youngest daughter, Sasha, one-half of the greatest, most distinguished pair of children to ever play hide-and-seek in the White House, is reportedly ready to head off to college in Michigan. According to reports, it looks like Sasha—who was born Natasha and is only called this by people who she doesn’t really fuck…
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Can Someone Tell Trump that Puerto Rico Is a Territory of the US? Maybe Then He’ll Stop Treating Them Like Trash
Because the fear of another natural disaster isn’t enough to deal with, the people of Puerto Rico have to now deal with President Trump bashing them on Twitter. On Wednesday, the perpetually abusive husband to America tweeted out that the U.S. territory of Puerto Rico is one of the “most corrupt places on earth.” Did…
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Trump Reportedly Told Aides Not to Worry About Breaking the Law to Get the Wall Built Because He’ll Pardon Them
President Donald Trump needs the wall, some wall, any wall to be built before November 2020 or his presidency will be seen as an abject failure by those still left on the Trump Titanic. This wall—the physical symbol of racial hatred—which will span the U.S.-Mexico border, has become the standard for which Trump will be…
