Ask Agatha: "I Want My Ex Back, But She Moved Across The Country. Should I Fly Out There?"


Jomo from Pittsburgh, PA asks:

My ex and I broke up months ago but I think I want her back. I want another chance. What should I do Agie? Do I just send a text and hope she replies? Do I send flowers? I mean I would just go to her apartment and knock on her door but she moved to the west coast months ago. Should I just knock on her door anyway? Book a ticket? I know we broke up because I was taking her for granted, she wanted a deeper commitment from me, an acknowledgment that we were boyfriend and girlfriend and a key to my place and I refused to give her either. I just wasn’t ready. But I’ve been single for a while now and I see there’s nothing out here for me. I realize now how much my ex means to me. So what should I do Agie?


I can hear people in the comments screaming, “Just call her nigga!”

But you can’t.

Because you and I both know she blocked your number months ago (around the same time she decided to move). She probably blocked your mama’s number too, cuz it be like that sometimes.


Jomo, if a chick gotta leave the state… Not wants to leave. Not needs to leave. But HAS to leave. That means being with you was so damaging that she could no longer even stomach the idea of threading ground you’ve thread.

You unmoored her Jomo.

And she stumbled out of the relationship not just mad at you but mad at Pittsburgh too. (As if there aren’t reasons enough to not like Pittsburgh already.) (Editor's note: Stumble out of deez.)


I mean we all know someone who has moved out of state, but on the whole people don’t leave their homes (post-college)—unless they’re fleeing.

FOX News and I call those people refugees.

You made her a refugee, Jomo.

You’re her Katrina. Her ISIS.

Now you’re hoping I tell ISIS to get on a plane?

Listen ISIS, stay off of all planes.

Jomo, you’re bored. And lonely. And maybe even a little unhappy. But none of these are reasons to get back with an ex. It’s certainly not even reason enough to contact her.


Do. Not. Contact. Her. Jomo.

Especially when you only “think” you want her back.

Don’t you dare make a grand gesture when in all reality you’re still trying to figure things out. The grand gesture is for when you’ve already figured things out. When you know. Because that’s how she’s going to interpret you flying across country and knocking on her door, as a declaration of your certainty.


But you’re not certain about shit.

It might just be indigestion.

Don’t book a flight ‘cause you got bubble guts.

I don’t think you realize the gravity of a chick packing up and moving to get away from you.


What I’m saying is…there are levels. And moving far away in the hierarchy of I’m so fucking broken, he fucking broke me, is basically only one step down from slitting your wrists. Either way the person is trying to get away from you—whether that means leaving the state or leaving this mortal coil.

So I guess you should find some small comfort from that, that she just moved and didn’t kill herself.


But moving is bad enough. Right now she’s in some awful west coast state trying to pick up the pieces to her heart. Yet she still probably finds herself thinking about you everyday and dreaming of you every night, all the while you’ve been on your couch scratching your balls watching Power and being secretly grateful that there’s less scenes this season with Ghost speaking “Spanish.”

So leave her be.

I’m sure she’s had vivid fantasies of you making a grand gesture. And just as vivid a fantasy of you just shooting her a “wyd” text. But both gestures would make her too hopeful. Hopeful that you’ve matured. Hopeful that you’ve finally realized she’s the only one for you. Hopeful that you’re ready for a real commitment. But Jomo, you’re just experiencing the side effects of dry peen—the number one side effect being, getting too sentimental about past pussy.


I mean what’s changed for you? Months later, you now think you want her back, mostly because you realized there’s no one out there for you [see: you can’t get a text back]. Meanwhile, she was so undone by the breakup she had to run not walk away. And you, you’re still the selfish “I want what I want, when I want it” you, you’ve always been. So selfish in fact that you don’t even realize how deep it was for her.

Jomo, you wouldn’t even give her a title.

Now you want to fly across country?

What a girl does post break-up is crucial to knowing whether or not you can or even should (morally speaking) hit her up.  My friends Bee and Tristan mapped out the hierarchy.


Is she thotting for the Gram? Go ahead and shoot her a “heyy” text. She was clearly trying to get your attention anyway.

Is she back in the gym? Go ahead and send her compliment.

Sudden vacation? Definitely send flowers to the job and a heartfelt card.

Shaved her head or relaxed her natural do? No.

Found religion or spirituality? NO.

MOVED ACROSS COUNTRY? Hell fucking no Jomo.

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I guess I'm in the minority on this after reading comments but I think he should go for it. Hop a flight to see her. Bring a dozen roses. Knock on her door. Tell her, 'yeah it's weird just popping up like this but I didn't want to spend the rest of my life wondering, what if.'

Then just lay it on the line. Tell her how much you love her and why you balked in the past. And why that won't happen in the future and ask her forgiveness.

And if she says no, then thank her for hearing you out. Get back on a plane and go home. And don't bother her again.

And no matter what she says you'll know you tried.