By now, everyone who has seen Black Panther has encountered the phenomenon. We all have a friend who has pressed pause on their bootleg DVD of Hidden Colors long enough to explain why they aren’t interested in seeing the movie Black Panther because they know how Hollywood poisons the minds of our people, and what we need to do is stop dreaming about vibranium and invest our resources in uplifting our community.
I’m sure you’re tired of explaining how you just wanted to see some fictional cool shit with black people on the screen the same way white people get to see Harry Potter, Star Wars and The Passion of the Christ (yes, a Caucasian Jesus is more fantastical than a broom-riding white witch-boy or an evil Jedi with asthma).
You could engage in an extended argument with your friend, explaining that if black people weren’t capable of separating fiction from reality, we’d be waiting for Blade to kill Donald Trump, believe that the Civil War was about the North’s unwillingness to serve iced tea, and think that Martin Luther King Jr. was a timid little Southern preacher who helped change the minds of the tiny percentage of white Americans who simply wanted to sit in the front seats on public transportation.
Luckily, instead of listening to all that noise, you can just present your faux-tep friend with this short quiz to determine whether or not they are too woke for Black Panther.
a) Put in an application at the vibranium mine.
b) Head straight to the Foot Locker at the Wakanda Galleria for a pair of kente cloth Jordans.
c) Buy a Swisher from the Walmart and roll a purple-hearted flower blunt.
d) Learn the knowledge and culture and use it to liberate your people.
a) Probably dressed up for all of the Marvel movies, so this one is no different.
b) Are hilarious.
c) Are tone-deaf.
d) Are probably spies trying to see what they can appropriate and call their own ... except for that white girl; she’s kinda thick.
a) Cool as fuck.
b) T’Challa’s alter ego.
c) A flawed character caught between doing what’s right for his people and owning up to the responsibility of his powerful gift.
d) An attempt by the white supremacist gay agenda to feminize black boys by making them wear tight clothes and ostentatious jewelry.
a) The Wakanda Girls School for Science and Technology.
b) The Dora Milaje Institute for Self-Defense.
c) The Frederick Douglass/Killmonger Academy for Black Boys.
a) Is a well-rounded antagonist who inspires sympathy while still playing the villain.
b) Needs to put some shea butter on those chicken pox bumps.
c) Wouldn’t have been so angry if he had been invited to the family reunion and met his cousins a long time ago.
d) Is a revolutionary Pan-Africanist who wants to free his people by any means necessary.
a) Are all on a natural-hair journey.
b) Don’t have to worry about fuckboys because they have spears.
c) Are a’ight, but you prefer “redbones.”
d) Will never find a husband because they concentrate on stuff like science, technology and fighting instead of learning how to be submissive.
c) “Brown Panther”—the break baby he had with a Dora Milaje in the ’80s that no one knows about.
d) Umar Johnson.
a) Use your vibranium check to buy an outfit for homecoming.
b) Pledge the Jabari chapter of Omega Psi Phi.
c) Wonder why you need a degree if you have unlimited wealth.
d) Gain knowledge of self to open your third eye.
a) A black queen.
b) Fine as hell.
c) Proof that black women can have successful careers while maintaining their dignity.
d) A wombman.
a) Give black children a chance to see a black superhero.
b) Show Hollywood that movies with black casts can have mainstream success.
c) Still be ignored for Oscar contention.
d) Make black people forget about their real struggle while living in some white man’s Disney-created fantasy world.
a) It has an unlimited supply of vibranium.
b) The citizens only shop at black-owned businesses.
c) No one wears Jordans.
d) Boyce Watkins convinced T’Challa to invest in cryptocurrency.
a) They use Kimoyo Beads.
b) They enrolled in Wakandacare.
d) They only drink alkaline water and don’t get the flu shot.
a) The Black Panther comics.
b) All the Marvel comics.
c) The Black Panther Wikipedia page.
d) The Willie Lynch Letter.
a) Erik Killmonger.
b) Ulysses Klaue.
c) The outside world.
d) White people, but they will convince you that your own brother is the problem. That’s how they divide our community.
b) I’ll holla.
c) Wakanda forever!
Score 1 point for each time you answered a;
2 points each time you answered b;
3 points each time you answered c;
10 points each time you answered d.
0-25 points: You’re a tool of the white devil who distracts himself with movies while ignoring the suffering of his people.
26-70: You need to wake up, my brother or sister. Can’t you see you come from kings and queens? My people perish for a lack of knowledge.
71-99: You are woke AF. You use your third eye to overstand the white supremacist structure and would consider going vegan if it weren’t for the fact that you love pork chops and your white girlfriend can fry the fuck outta some bacon.
100 and above: You are too woke. Instead of polluting your mind with movies about fictional superheroes, you’d rather read about real-life things like how the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention injected us with AIDS and fills our television programs with subliminal messages that turn us into transsexuals. You have your own personal copy of the Willie Lynch Letter and the gay agenda. Stay woke.