Apparently, White People Are Planning 'White Lives Matter' Rallies Across the Nation on April 11. I May Have a Short List of Activity Ideas

Image for article titled Apparently, White People Are Planning 'White Lives Matter' Rallies Across the Nation on April 11. I May Have a Short List of Activity Ideas
Photo: Karolis Kavolelis (Shutterstock)

Apparently, Sunday, April 11, is the day white people across the country have set aside for white fragility rallies where the melanin-have-nots will gather and lament the difficulties faced by the white race in America while eating unseasoned green bean casserole and discussing how the “trickle-down effect” refers to why the washing of legs in the shower is completely unnecessary.


OK, so I’m just guessing on most of that.

What’s true is that officials from multiple cities across the nation are preparing for White Lives Matter rallies that are supposedly taking place on the 11th and have been planned by white supremacists online.

From Newsweek:

The white supremacist rallies are being discussed on social media and encrypted messaging app Telegram, with dozens of events planned to take place at 1 p.m. in cities including New York, Fort Worth, Texas, and Chicago, Illinois.

The details surrounding the marches are minimal, with a majority not providing details such as a specific location. Many dedicated channels for marches in cities also only have a few subscribers and barely any discussion.

There is no real suggestion the marches—if they even take place—will be anywhere near as highly attended as the deadly “Unite the Right” in which thousands of neo-Nazis, Ku Klux Klan members and far-right extremists took to the streets of Charlottesville, Virginia, in August 2017.

However, police forces in cities where an actual location has been discussed online are bracing themselves for any potential violence stemming from the event or counter-protest against it.

In North Carolina, there are two planned white supremacist marches taking place at the same time on April 11—at Nash Square in Raleigh and The Zebulon Baird Vance Monument in Asheville.

In California, officials are reportedly preparing for a White Lives Matter march, which is supposedly taking place in front of the Huntington Beach Pier.

According to Newsweek, the Huntington Beach Police Department said in a statement that it is planning to keep the peace during the rally while “preserving the participants’ ability to exercise their constitutional rights regardless of the message or ideology.”


The statement also said that officials “hope events such as this will serve as an opportunity for unity rather than a platform to spread hate, bigotry and division,” because, apparently, nobody in the department’s statement-writing wing had it in them to say: “Nah, this is going to be a neo-Nazi block party where participants receive swag-bags full of used nooses and bars of soap that read ‘TF is a washcloth?’” (Again, I’m guessing)

So, whatever; let the whiny wypipo brigade have their little “you can pry my supremacy from my cold dead hands” rally. In fact, here’s a short list of activities I recommend for such an event:

1. A cross-burning completion. (Extra points if they start the blaze by farting on their tiki torches.)


2. A Civil War reenactment where both sides are from the Confederacy and instead of replaying the war, they do redneck line dance versions of scenes from You Got Served. (And if they do reenact the war—I’m just saying if someone forgot to use blanks instead of live ammo, I wouldn’t be mad).

3. Trivial Pursuit, Food Seasoning Edition. (I won’t stop watching this until someone shouts “Who the fuck is Paprika and why don’t they go back to their own country?”)


4. Taking baths with dogs. (Which is gross AF because, I mean, come on, those dogs have no idea where these white people have been.)

5. Mud wrestling...but in vats of mayonnaise.

6. Hatfields and McCoys-themed trailer park prom.

7. A riot at the U.S. Capitol. (Wait, they already did that one.)

8. KKK arts and crafts.

Now this one is tricky because the last time such an event took place they tried to have one person do all the work and then everybody got mad at how their new accessories turned out. Here’s video footage of that event:

Anyway, I have more suggestions, but I’m tired of white people stealing Black ideas, so I’m keeping them to myself.


Happy White Lives Matter Day everyone; ‘tis the season to celebrate the seasonless.


kidelo (all of Fox News is vaccinated)

Hear ye, hear ye! May all proud white people gather near to celebrate the mattering of our lives!

After all, if we don’t celebrate ourselves, who will? (No one. Just sayin’)

Bring your best white selves! There will be:

Tattoo contests! Winner for the “Best Nazi Ink and best stick & poke portraits of their kids!

Leg washing booth! Both legs! (sponsored by The Root)

Tooth counting contest! (Over age 21 only)

Hide your Black partner contests! We’ll pretend your kids aren’t mixed to their faces!

Dance like that woman on Fallon last week! (Under 40 only, nobody needs to get hurt).

Mike Pence look-alike contest!

Hot wings eating contests, including your favorite sauces: mayonnaise and toothpaste! Bring your own towel! We provide the milk.

Find Jefferson Davis’ chair! (No really. We looking.)

Ted Talk: Meth, opioids and you. And do you have some for me?

With appearances by: Bawitababble (Kid Rock tribute band)! Tucker Carlson’s high-school girlfriend! Donald Trump, Jr. impersonator! Tiffany Trump! Steve Bannon’s hairstylist!

Light your torches and polish up your jackboots! We matter. We really do.