Photo: iStock

Nestled among the idyllic seaside Confederate monuments and the genteel reminders of slavery, a brand new nightclub in Charleston, SC has come under fire for trying to make nightclubs great again by repeatedly barring entry to anyone who might dance on beat or use a washcloth instead of mayo pomegranate-scented body wash. (White people don’t use washcloths. I learned that in my first year of graduate-level Wypipology.)

Deco Nightclub in Downtown Charleston is the latest place where Heather, Amber and ‘Becca can unwind by assembling themselves in a circle, kick off their wheat-colored wedges and twerk as if they were being anally tased to the pulsating rhythm of a Taylor Swift electronic remix that curiously sounds like something Beyoncé recorded a few years ago.

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And if you’re worried about whether Tammi and BethAnne are safe from the plague of marauding negro penises, don’t worry. This nightclub won’t allow any Jamaals or Keishas on the premises because Deco nightclub allegedly enforces a strict whites-only policy.

According to the Charleston Post and Courier, since its opening in April, the club has received more than 100 5-star reviews, compared to more than 200 negative reviews. Most of the complaints are about bouncers not allowing people of color into the club.

Prospective patrons have alleged that non-mayonnaise aficionados have been turned away because they don’t have memberships. Although memberships are not mentioned on Deco’s website or Facebook page, multiple people have given accounts that they were rejected at the door because they don’t have a membership. Yet white patrons told the Post and Courier that they have never been asked for membership when they entered.

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And while the Deco’s website says its dress code is, “NO jerseys, NO baseball caps, NO athletic wear, NO flip-flops, NO graphic tees, No plain white tees, NO camouflage, NO doo rags, NO sleeveless attire (men only),” white people wearing flip-flops, booty-flattening Umbros and Pokemon tees seemed to gain entry while black people in prom dresses and tuxedoes were kicked to the curb.

To be clear, none of this is illegal. Private nightclubs in South Carolina are allowed to essentially discriminate at will. But an attorney for KKKlub Deco said:

At times, we have had to limit the number of people we can legally allow in the club due to various regulations including occupancy requirements by the fire marshal. It appears we have had employees allow their friends to enter the club despite not adhering to our dress codes. Since we have received some complaints, our managers have had to terminate some employees who did not follow our policies or who were not respectful to our customers.

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Whew! Thank blonde-haired, blue-eyed baby Jesus!

Although I don’t particularly like being surrounded by people who know how to do that high-pitched “wooooo” sound, one of my greatest joys in life is watching white people dance. No one in the world is ever freer than a white woman dancing while she’s drunk.

Most people don’t know this, but the statue of Liberty is actually modeled after a girl named Clarissa holding up a bottle of wine after Beethoven dropped his new track in the early 1800's. I’m pretty sure that’s correct.

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To be fair, Deco’s wypipo paradise theme is a pretty solid business plan because white people can drink their asses off! Aside from oppression, genocide and stealing land, it’s their greatest gift to humanity.

In response to the accusations, not only did Deco fire its team of Grand Dragon bouncers, but it discontinued its membership and issued the following statement on Facebook:

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Thankfully, they will now start allowing negroes in, but they also announced a few other new policies:

  • No Hennessy or Crown Royal will be sold but they will have extra Pabst Blue Ribbon.
  • They are removing all hot sauce-related items from the late-night menu.
  • No Jordans allowed.
  • No twerking allowed (All that black booty jiggling makes Laura uncomfortable. It’s body-shaming).
  • Anyone with an apostrophe in his or her name will be charged double.
  • The playlist will feature Nickelback, Katy Perry and Ed Sheeran.
  • But they will still play Drake.

Drunk white people love Drake...

And racism.