Dear Aaron Rodgers,
I bring you greetings in the name of our collective of citizens Working Overtime to Keep Entitled Motherfuckers Off that Bullshit (WOKEMOB). We are a small but powerful organization of people dedicated to eliminating the cultural phenomenon commonly known as “fuckshit.”
Although our work has largely happened behind the scenes and in the shadows, it has come to our attention that more people are beginning to take issue with some of our work. Most recently, a stringy-haired man named Aaron Rodgers alleged that our group attacked him without cause. It is for this reason that we decided to speak out so that we may clear up a few misconceptions.
First of all, who the hell is Aaron Rodgers and why would we attack him? I know white people assume that the known universe revolves around their un-shampooed scalps as if their heads are preternaturally adorned with a Caucasian halo but trust me, I have no idea who this man is. He kinda looks like the guy they nominated to host Jeopardy! but I know that’s wrong. I give white people a lot of grief but there’s no way they overlooked LeVar Burton for a guy who plays catch for a living. Come on, bruh, no one has that much hubris!
The minutes from our bi-monthly meetings will show that we have been busy shaming white people for supporting the filibuster, ignoring climate change, trying to overturn elections, stealing voting rights and shooting Black people in the face. We simply don’t have the time to concentrate on someone who looks like he applied his family’s leg-washing technique to his entire body. Yet, somehow, Mr. Rodgers thinks we have been planning a targeted attack on his homegrown COVID cure. Why would we give a millimeter of a fuck that he had the unbridled Caucasity to claim he “researched” a virus that has befuddled the entire medical community by hitting the send button to his inkjet printer?
Furthermore, if there is one thing WOKEMOB is concerned about, it’s definitely not the National Football League. We kinda stopped caring about professional football when our washcloth-reluctant constituents started burning their Costco Nikes after our last campaign involving an NFL quarterback. Plus, we don’t even have a chapter in Wisconsin! Our Milwaukee affiliates are at-large members.
To be fair, it is not just Mr. Rodgers’s unfounded allegation that concerns us. Every time a moderately talented nincompoop has a thought that is easily dismantled with logic and facts, they blame us for canceling them. And it’s not just white people. Kyrie Irving, Dave Chappelle, Jason Whitlock, Chrisette Michele and a bevy of Black celebrities who were caught with their hands in the stupid jar accused us of fomenting public backlash for dumb shit they actually did. We don’t have a single dues-paying member who hangs out with Nicki Minaj’s cousin (Trust me, we checked). And, although our name implies that we are a mob, we have no relationship with any organized crime groups including La Cosa Nostra, Three-Six Mafia, Goodie Mob, Havoc or Prodigy. (Our bylaws, however, forbid “halfway crooks” from joining our ranks).
We even checked our archives and couldn’t find a single person in the history of our esteemed organization that has ever been lynched by WOKEMOB. We have been accused of various atrocities but our actions are mostly limited to collectively saying: “We don’t like that dumb shit you did.” Is that what you are talking about when you say “cancel culture?”
I don’t blame all of this backlash on Aaron Rodgers, however. We acknowledge that some of this is our fault for letting white people Columbus the word “woke.” We were doing just fine when “staying woke” was a majority Black pastime. I hate to say “I told you so” but if you check the transcript of my remarks during the 2019 WOKEMOB national conclave, I warned everyone about this. As soon as people who wear safety pins and buy Black Lives Matter stickers from mall kiosks started using it, our beloved phrase went the way of “lit,” “turn up” and “bae.” I know it goes against everything that WOKEMOB stands for but someone has to say this:
White people kinda ruin everything.
Just like they did with Critical Race Theory, Black Lives Matter and the Black Power fist, they have turned “woke” into a pejorative. And, you know what? I can’t blame them. “Woke” white people are kinda annoying, like when white girls twerk or when Connor wants to swag surf. But, alas, it’s gone, which is why I don’t feel bad revealing our most treasured secret.
The WOKEMOB cancel culture initiative has largely been unsuccessful.
Sure, we had a few success stories in the 1980s with Pop Rocks, New Coke and that Milli Vanilli album, but most of our campaigns have fizzled out. When we tried to raise public awareness about the constitutionally-enshrined principle of race-based human chattel, it took the bloodiest war in American history to end American-style slavery. The Supreme Court, Congress and God himself had to intervene to bring an incremental end to Jim Crow because white people didn’t seem bothered by their kin hocking globules of spit in our kids’ faces, state troopers breaking our skulls, and bombs blasting our churches and children into smithereens.
If the WOKEMOB could actually control an entire culture, we would have canceled climate change, underfunded schools, criminal justice disparities, the racial wealth gap and Tucker Carlson’s show. If only WOKEMOB had half the Illuminati-like power some people ascribe to it, Donald Trump wouldn’t have been president, Karens wouldn’t be melting into puddles of tears over their kids’ social studies lessons, and no one would’ve had to mop human feces off the floor of the U.S. Capitol Building.
It turns out, it’s pretty hard to cancel white people.
Ask Martin Luther King. Ask Trayvon Martin. Ask Breonna Taylor. Ask Colin Kaepernick. Ask people who live in “shithole countries.” Ask the worshippers at the Tree of Life Synagogue or the Pulse nightclub or any Black person who ever lived and breathed in the same country Aaron Rodgers is whining about as he sits home collecting his $22 million salary for not playing football because Joe Rogan told him he has the God-given right to kill people with his unvaxxed mouth vapor instead of doing the same thing 93 percent of his co-workers have done.
Shit, ask Jesus.
Anyway, instead of asking you to keep our name out of your coronavirus-infected mouth, we simply wanted to apologize for any inconvenience we may have caused by asking you to give a fuck about the happiness, humanity and safety of other people.
It must be nice.