True. Look at Maxwell’s “Pretty Wings!”

Right? Folks think that song is romantic, but it’s really about fried chicken.

Uh, I don’t think that’s the discrepancy…anyway, moving on...on Saturday night, Erykah attempted to either play or perform her hit song, “Tyrone,” but she was mysteriously disconnected from the Instagram Live seconds before she started. Unnamed sources believe you may have had something to do with it. Would you like to go on record and comment on this matter?

I don’t even fuck with Instagram like that. My only vices are Newport 100s and velour tracksuits. Teddy [Riley] looked sharp as hell a few weeks ago.


Wait, how did you know about Teddy...I thought you just said…?

You want something to drink? I got some sparkling Kool-Aid in the fridge.

Huh? No, thank you. Now, while it is true that “Tyrone” is not Erykah’s fuckboy and is essentially someone who got struck by a stray bullet, it could be argued that the aforementioned Tyrone isn’t as innocent as he appears. Erykah did mention that she had to reach “down in [her] her purse to pay [his] way and [his] homeboy’s way and sometimes [his] cousin’s way.” Between James, Jim, Paul and you, is it valid to believe that you could be one of the homeboys that Erykah had to occasionally sponsor?

Look, I am not the nigga hanging on the passenger side of his best friend’s ride. Clearly, I have a car because I was the first one she thought of to retrieve her dude’s Playstation and shit.


Valid. Speaking of which, The Root’s Senior Writer Michael Harriot speculated that the reason why Erykah brought up your name is because you two were secretly having an affair. Can you please comment on that?

What?! That’s ridiculous. That is completely unfounded. I may have made a fresh comment after I saw the “Window Seat” music video, but literally everyone else did too. I’m tired of this slander!!!


OK, OK, let’s lighten the mood a bit. I happen to believe that Jill Scott was talking about savory grits when she sang the word, “griiiiiiiits” in her song, “The Way.” So, do you prefer savory or sugar grits?


This is a safe space.

Ha! There is no safe space. Safe spaces are an illusion created by friends who invite you out to brunch only to ambush you with their latest pyramid scheme.


Fair enough. I guess that didn’t lighten any moods, after all. Uh…you like Brazilian music?


Cool. And now the ultimate question: though the Erykah vs. Jill Verzuz was ultimately a bonding rather than a battle, in keeping up with the nature of the event’s name…who do you think won on Saturday night?

I can’t call it. Like I mentioned prior to this interview, I’m so traumatized by the turn of events, I can’t call anything. I don’t participate in any kind of calling, whether that be by phone, listening to Usher’s “You Don’t Have To Call” or—and this is the hardest of them all—booty calls. *shudder*


Yikes. Thanks so much for speaking with me! I have to call my Uber…mind if I stay inside before it arrives?

Sure, but you can’t use my phone, either.

The Root is continuing its investigation and we will provide updates as they develop. Please be advised that we have also received unconfirmed rumors and tips that Senior Editor Stephen Crockett, Jr. is actually Tyrone due to his pervasive defense of the titular character who he believes shouldn’t have to be in witness protection just for “being a supportive friend”—including, but not limited to, offering other examples of famous “Tyrones” such as A.C. Cowlings (OJ Simpson), Ellen Degeneres (George Bush) and Tommy (Martin Lawrence).