An Exclusive Interview With the American Flag; You Know, the One the President Keeps Stroking

Donald Trump embracing the U.S. flag during a campaign rally on June 11, 2016, in Tampa, Fla.
Donald Trump embracing the U.S. flag during a campaign rally on June 11, 2016, in Tampa, Fla.
Photo: Gerardo Mora (Getty Images)

In what has arguably been one of Donald Trump’s weirdest (and whitest) moves, the president took the stage before the National Federation of Independent Business in Washington, D.C., made a speech, and once he was done bumping his gums, proceeded to hug the U.S. flag using the same hugging technique he reserves for his true love, Ben Carson.


It isn’t the first time the president has openly and unabashedly molested the American flag in a public setting. According to CNN, Trump also groped the flag “at a rally in Tampa [Fla.] on Oct 24, 2016, and Aug. 19, 2015, in Derry, N.H.”

We have an exclusive interview with the flag from Trump’s most recent encounter.

The Root: How long have you known Trump?

Flag: We went out a few times. But I barely know him; he lies so damn much. He claims that he loves me, but he’s embarrassing. And for a nigga who supposedly “worships my dirty drawers,” he’s done nothing to defend me, but acts like we’re in love. I’m used to his bullshit, though. He cheated on me with Russia.

TR: Why does he think that you two are cool?

F: I have no idea. This whole hugging me thing started on the road, but I think this is the first time he’s hugged me as president. He says it excites his base, who, we all know, want to have sex with me.

TR: So to be clear, you don’t want the president hugging you?

F: No! Have you seen this man’s hands? They are usually covered in KFC grease and they’re smaller than my stars. Also, he leaves orange stains all over me. Also, also, he is a bitch and I don’t fuck with him. I don’t know why he just doesn’t bring that cheap-ass Confederate flag ho onstage, hug her and just leave me TF out of it.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.


Babylon System

He is not stroking the flag, he is choking the very life out of it and enjoying every minute of his time.

future headline ...“THE MAN THAT BROKE AMERICA.”

He is actually doing what America has always been doing (in secret), but now out in the OPEN for all to see.