Am I A Thief? Asking For A Friend


I’ve taken to bringing my lunch to work. It’s cheaper than hitting up any of the various high-priced sandwich shops in my immediate vicinity. On some mornings, I’ll stop by a local grocer and go pick up some Campbell’s microwavable soup thing, spend 8 bucks and get enough for the week. I’m a creature of habit. If I like something, I can eat it every day until I switch things up on your bitch ass. I’m a boss like that. You get used to it turning right then POW we turning left today!


Anyway, on one particular day where I was feeling particularly froggy (on this particular day, particularly) I had my soup on deck, but decided to head to my cafeteria to make a purchase of a Cherry Coke. This is a bit stupid on my part. Since first purchasing a Cherry Coke a few months ago, I’ve found out that, for me and my soul, soul, body and soul, Cherry Coke is pretty much a laxative. On some days, I’ll take a few sips then I’m skipping to my lou. That’s a pun. Intentionally.

Other days, not so much. But I felt like sharing with you all in case anybody else had a similar issue with Cherry Coke. You are not alone; I am here for you. Though we’re far apart, you’re always in my heart. Pinky swear.

By the way, we’ve digressed SO far from where I wanted to go. But as my good friend (I don’t know him) Donnell Jones once sang, this is where I wanna be. Such a good album. Really.

Back to my lunch and my cafeteria and all that good shit.

Sidenote: I’m writing this in Microsoft Word right now. MS has to be pissed with me. There are so many red and green squiggly lines under my words and sentence fragments I imagine a Lilliputian gentleperson (I’m pretty PC these days, bitches) inside my computer shaking his fists in a spritely manner, which is probably more cute than anything. Tiny fists. Aww.


So, this one particular day when I ventured to get a Cherry Coke in my cafeteria I decided to peruse the options of my cafeteria. Let me tell you, the options are rarely enticing. Now that I have my FitBit, I use it as a reason to leave the building for lunch, but before I had it, I used the cafeteria as a reason to leave my building for lunch. Well, I checked the options and saw nada. I looked at the desserts and saw nothing that tickled my fancy. And let me tell you, I like things that tickle my fancy. My fancy? Ticklish.


I then walked to a little kiosk like area that we also have which sells some different items, but ultimately bupkus. Now, this area is a self-service one. There’s rarely an attendant so its totally on the honor system. Well, that and video surveillance. If you walk out without paying, they might not know immediately, but they’ll know eventually. So I was in there checking out my options as well.

But alas, nothing. Besides, I already knew I had a soup upstairs waiting to be infused with all of the micro waves one soup canister could handle. Here’s where it got tricky.


I couldn’t remember that if I had a spoon to eat my soup. On a prior trip to the grocery store, I’d purchased a box of plastic utensils that included 8 each of spoons, forks, and knives – the holy eating triumvirate. And since I’d been eating soup, I’d been using up the spoons but I hadn’t kept count. And while the TV show insists that 8 is enough, I assure you that it is not over an extended period of time.

Anyway, on my way out of the kiosk where I purchased nothing and remembered that I couldn’t remember if I had a spoon, I took a plastic spoon from the spoon dispenser. Then I wondered if I should.


Then I looked at the camera to see if it saw me take a spoon. Then I made a mad dash for the door realizing that I may or may not have committed a crime and that I’m on camera.

You might be saying to yourself, “P, I hate you a little bit right now. I read this whole shit for THAT to be your concern?”


Hear me out.

When you put something from the cafeteria or kiosk for which you need a spoon or fork, and you take one, it is expected. But what happens when you literally walk into one of those spaces and just take the utensils that were purchased under the assumption that people who need them for purchased items would use. I just walked in and took a spoon. I ain’t pay for nothing. I didn’t need it for something there. I needed it for something in my office. The people who purchase those utensils do it for the people who eat at their establishment. Not the people who just need forks and knives.



I realize the likelihood of me doing hard time behind is low. I won’t have to share a cell with D-Money or Smooth, who are selling drugs and impregnating white girls in Maine. BUT, am I a petty thief for taking items that were provided for a certain purpose and I skirted that purpose?


Am I a thief?

Asking for a friend.



This is comical. I guess I'm criminal-minded as well because I do this all of the time. And I'm a bad parent because I send my kids into random fast-food joints to get napkins, straws, ketchup, etc and have no intention of buying a lick of food. My daughter secretly hates me for this.

On a slightly different note, I don't know how janky or forward-thinking this is, but when I go to fast-food establishments—Chipotle to be exact—I leave with a heaping pile of their plastic spoons. Why, pray tell? Because I have a toddler and toddlers love to throw things away in an attempt to be helpful. Unfortunately, those things include my flatware. So, in an effort to save the rest of my 6 spoons, 12 forks and 28 butter knives (which, of course, never get tossed), I tend to pick up a ton of extra plastic spoons. In my mind, it helps offset the cost of that marginal tasting, yet highly over-priced faux Mexican food.