Listen, this past year and change has been a lot.
There’s been civil unrest, politicians doing everything humanly possible to screw over Black and Brown voters and control women’s bodies, white people declaring war against critical race theory, Bizzy Bone throwing water bottles, and a whole-ass global pandemic that’s turned out to be the roommate from hell who’s always late on rent, yet wants to eat up all the damn groceries—with a little help from its BFFs Delta and
Any one of these is enough to make you want to throw the entire planet away—I didn’t even mention our blatantly oppressive chicken shortage—and unfortunately, the accumulation of all of this bullshit has taken a tremendous toll on us all. And while I can personally attest that therapy and anti-depressants have combined superpowers to help keep my Black ass sane (if only our ancestors had access to such luxuries), this unprecedented period has also taught me that I need to be more proactive than ever in seeking out the things that bring me fulfillment and joy—both in my professional and personal life.
That being said, which one of you is buying me a Polaris Slingshot for Christmas?
Exactly a year ago, I sang the praises of this magnificent work of art in this very publication. But more specifically, I wrote about how it played a critical role in helping me find joy during this pandemic despite these less than ideal circumstances that have deprived millions of our health, social interaction, and sanity:
This pandemic has been an incredibly difficult time for all of us. It’s been a collective traumatic experience that will take us years to recover from. But in order to survive, we gotta learn to adapt and find pockets of joy wherever we can—albeit safely. For me, I’ve found comfort and joy by finding activities that I can safely participate in while getting the hell out the damn house—like pleasing our ancestors by breaking the sound barrier in a Polaris Slingshot.
A year later, all of the above still stands. The only difference is that instead of settling for some socks or aftershave, I’m reclaiming my power and making it known that on Christmas morning, there better be a damn Polaris Slingshot waiting for me under the tree.
In what’s now becoming a Christmas tradition, the fine folks at Polaris were kind enough to extend an invite to test drive the new 2022 Slingshot before it hits the streets, and let me tell you now: That motherfucker is mean.
Aside from some sexy new paint options and a bunch of other fly shit that’s too extraordinary for your mortal mind to comprehend, the most notable improvement from the 2021 model is how well this thing accelerates coming out of a complete stop. In a past life, I let out an audible groan every time I saw a red light, because I already knew this thing would cough and wheeze like one of the Golden Girls trying to get off the couch.
That’s no longer an issue.
Not only does accelerating now feel fluid and effortless, but after spending an afternoon abusing the streets of Laguna Beach while pageant waving at the adoring public, I’m now 1,000 percent convinced that it’s my birthright to own one.
Haters will say it’s completely impractical to drop your kids off at baseball practice in a Polaris Slingshot, but they also pronounce the “l” in salmon. So if I wanna pull out of Trader Joes with a trunk full of groceries, let me worry about my eggs and pears.
And yes, while gift guides are cute—our very own Managing Editor of The Glow Up, Maiysha Kai, is pretty damn good at them—I have yet to find one that features anything with about 178 horsepower or a 2.0-liter engine. (Editor’s note from Maiysha Kai: Fair.)
Again, I deserve.
So for those interested in helping to make my dream (or yours) a reality, feel free to slide over to the Polaris Slingshot website and I’ll pretend to be surprised on Christmas morning.
Thank you kindly in advance.