I see you, fam. Really, I do.
Well, actually I donβt, like literally. Because of the social distancing thing and the statewide lockdown thing, I only leave home now for daily walks and maybe to take the kids to this open parking lot behind my house. So when I say I see you, I mean metaphorically. Spiritually and shit.
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Anyway, I see you fam. Underneath the hats youβre wearing all the time now, and the hoodie you refuse to take off is the hair that COVID-19 has forced you to neglect. Iβm hopeful that youβre still washing it. Still combing it. Still brushing it. But since those weekly trips to the barbershop are gone, so are those sharp lines, those exquisite twists, those luscious beards, and those transcendent blends. All replaced with Chewbaccaβs ass.
Okay, so maybe itβs not that bad, yet. But you feel that way, right? You feel like Chewbaccaβs ass, donβt you? Each time you look in the mirrorβif you still have the courage to look in mirrorsβyou donβt recognize yourself. I mean, itβs you, kinda...but only if you were method acting as a Tallahassee meth dealer. Your face feels greasy and itchyβlike you stuck it in a vat of lukewarm lamb greaseβand itβs even crueler now because youβre told not to touch it or youβll die.
Youβre fiending to get back in that chair, thirsty for the cape wrapped over you, the clippers on your skin, the peroxide on your neck, and even your barberβs Hot Cheeto breath on your back. Itβs funny what you miss when itβs gone. Youβd even settle for a cut from bruh in the back, whose skills are so shaky that heβs only allowed to cut kids, white boys, and cops.
I know itβs hard, man, but just know weβre united in struggle. You know how weβre all only one paycheck away from being broke? Well, now we know that weβre all only one missed cut from being Kevin Durant. And the next time you look in the mirror, actually look at your mangy, busted face, and remind yourself that you are not your hair. You are not your hair. You are not your hair. And as long as you stay in the fucking house, it will get better.
(Or just learn how to cut your own hair.)
Straight From
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