It is with the utmost disrespect that my heart can muster that I say this: Jeff Sessions has the tenacity of the world’s most stalwart, racist cockroach.
The 72-year-old former attorney general, who Coretta Scott King famously argued was too racist to be a federal judge, is expected to announce today that he is running for his old Alabama senate seat. Donald Trump, apparently, is not a fan of this news, though not for any ideological or moral reasoning, but because Trump never forgave Sessions for recusing himself from the Russia collusion investigation (pettiness—it’s a hell of a drug!).
I, on the other hand, hate Sessions because he’s trash. And in the spirit of that ever-blossoming flower of contempt in my heart, I’ve compiled a short and inexhaustive list of miscellany I’d endorse for a senate seat before Sessions.
In no particular order:
1. A discarded Popeyes sandwich hot bag
2. Stolen New Balances (don’t ask me why anyone would steal New Balances) strung up on a telephone wire
3. The sweat that gathered under Desus Nice’s fitted when he and Mero interviewed Bernie Sanders
4. A voicemail of esteemed author and Very Smart Brotha Damon Young saying “this boomer eating beans”
5. A reasonably priced pair of herb scissors
6. Joe Biden’s XL veneers
8. A three-day-old bag of crawfish shells
9. All the bedbugs ever discovered at the New York Times (with the obvious exception of Bret Stephens, who says he is not a bedbug)
10. A half-eaten package of Keebler cookies left in my cousin’s pantry
11. This tweet of an unseasoned turkey
12. An actual unseasoned turkey
13. A hair doll made exclusively from Megan Thee Stallions’ stray wig hairs
14. The flecks of toothbrush spit that splash onto your bathroom mirror
15. My beloved co-worker Terrell Starr’s yoga pants
16. Actually, any pair of lightly-used yoga pants
17. The Monday Night Football cat
18. A Dr. Bronner’s label (Dilute! Dilute! Ok!)
19. Every single person who posts a selfie of themselves with the caption, “tell me something I don’t know”
Am I missing anything?