A Short and Not-at-All Exhaustive List of Things Alabamians Should Vote for That Are Not Jeff Sessions

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It is with the utmost disrespect that my heart can muster that I say this: Jeff Sessions has the tenacity of the world’s most stalwart, racist cockroach.


The 72-year-old former attorney general, who Coretta Scott King famously argued was too racist to be a federal judge, is expected to announce today that he is running for his old Alabama senate seat. Donald Trump, apparently, is not a fan of this news, though not for any ideological or moral reasoning, but because Trump never forgave Sessions for recusing himself from the Russia collusion investigation (pettiness—it’s a hell of a drug!).

I, on the other hand, hate Sessions because he’s trash. And in the spirit of that ever-blossoming flower of contempt in my heart, I’ve compiled a short and inexhaustive list of miscellany I’d endorse for a senate seat before Sessions.

In no particular order:

1. A discarded Popeyes sandwich hot bag

2. Stolen New Balances (don’t ask me why anyone would steal New Balances) strung up on a telephone wire

3. The sweat that gathered under Desus Nice’s fitted when he and Mero interviewed Bernie Sanders

4. A voicemail of esteemed author and Very Smart Brotha Damon Young saying “this boomer eating beans


5. A reasonably priced pair of herb scissors

6. Joe Biden’s XL veneers

7. Being hit by a car

8. A three-day-old bag of crawfish shells

9. All the bedbugs ever discovered at the New York Times (with the obvious exception of Bret Stephens, who says he is not a bedbug)


10. A half-eaten package of Keebler cookies left in my cousin’s pantry

11. This tweet of an unseasoned turkey

12. An actual unseasoned turkey

13. A hair doll made exclusively from Megan Thee Stallions’ stray wig hairs

14. The flecks of toothbrush spit that splash onto your bathroom mirror

15. My beloved co-worker Terrell Starr’s yoga pants

16. Actually, any pair of lightly-used yoga pants

17. The Monday Night Football cat

18. A Dr. Bronner’s label (Dilute! Dilute! Ok!)

19. Every single person who posts a selfie of themselves with the caption, “tell me something I don’t know”


Am I missing anything?



I shall say why someone should vote for Jeff Sessions:

If his opponent in the primary is Roy Moore.

Unless, I suppose, your strategy is for Roy Moore to win the nomination again, to bolster the chances for Doug Jones in the general again. Risky, but it did work once. But I definitely would rather see Jeff Sessions in the Senate again than Roy Moore. At least Sessions is an institutionalist.