A Ranking Of Things To Do When It's Cold As Fuck Outside And You Don't Want To Do Shit


Since (roughly) 90% of our readers are American, and (roughly) 90% of America is dealing with some type of polar vortex right now, that means there's a (roughly) 8100% chance that, if you're reading this, you're somewhere where it's cold as fuck outside. If you're like me — basically, if you're Black — this means you have not and will not venture outside unless you absolutely have to.


But, while staying indoors might seem to limit our activities and productivity, there are a ton of ways to take advantage of this situation; things you can still do while it's warm — and even do outdoors — that just feel much better when it's cold.

8. Make and eat soup

There are two types of people in this world: People who like soup, and people who believe there's an amorphous conspiracy to bring down a 77-year-old comedian who absolutely no one was thinking/talking/writing about until certain allegations came out.

7. Take a hot bath

Every time I take a bath, I think to myself "Why don't I take more baths? I should take baths more often." And then, you know what happens afterwards? I don't take baths more often.

I think this is a paradox.

6. Invent new alcoholic beverages

Have you ever mixed honey Jack Daniels with root beer and a dap of pancake batter? No? Well, um…me neither.


5. Cuddle and shit

I never quite understood the guys who say they hate cuddling. Where is the downside there? Who doesn't want to lay on a couch somewhere with a woman you're attracted to while her head's on your chest and you're rubbing her ass? How has this ever been considered a bad thing? No one has ever needed a hug — or, possibly, parole — more than a guy who says he hates cuddling.


4. Listen to Liquid Swords

The GZA's iconic album remains both the single best Wu solo album and the best "cold weather" rap album of all-time.


3. Watch season two of "The Wire"

You will cry for Frank Sobotka. Because we all are Frank Sobotka. And Frank Sobotka is all of us.


2. Do that thing you used to do a lot when you were a kid when you got in bed and pulled the covers over your head to make it seem like you're in a sleeping bag

Extra points if you can make it a dutch oven.

1. Have sex

You really thought something else would be number 1?

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)



About 8, can I be neither? Soup is too thin to be alone, and I don't think Bill Cosby's accusers are making it up. Though I do like chili. Chili is God's way of saying he loves us and wants us to be happy. Particularly green chile. Rachmo…you owe me a recipe!

Your number 5 is cold though. F*ck hugs. In the immortal words of Styles P, all they really want is rough a$$ $ex. And besides, if the room isn't warm enough to start, #1 ain't happening so…

All in all, good list. Now if this damn heat would pick up. :)