Who is Drake?
Drake is a Jewish-Canadian Instagram model who’s known for dating Serena Williams and other women so thick that everyone else in the room is so uncomfortable. He also records and releases songs about Toronto and Spanx, apparently.
One question in and you’re hating already! Why couldn’t you just say, “Drake is a star rapper, perhaps the biggest name in hip-hop today”?
Because I still haven’t wrapped my mind around that concept. My brain knows it’s true, but my heart refuses to believe that the hip-hop that gave us the GZA and and Big L has anointed this Scotch & Soda mannequin as its king.
You have hate in your heart?
Yes. Yes I do.
Well, I’m glad we’ve established that. Anyway, why is Drake in the news today?
Monday evening, Drake debuted a video for his hit single “Hotline Bling.” Which made me hate that café con leche motherf—ker even more.
Why? What happened?
Well, “Hotline Bling” is a stupid-ass song with a stupid-ass concept and stupid-ass lyrics. It’s literally an entire song about an ex-girlfriend being an ex-girlfriend. He could have just called it “We Broke Up, and Now You’re Doing Other Things” and it would have been just as effective.
Naturally, this song debuted at No. 2 on the Billboard charts.
And then he released a video for this song. A video featuring him in a turtleneck and some Lugz chukkas doing jazz hands and shadow-puppet salsa with Serena body doppelgängers. He looks like Elaine from Seinfeld morphed with how everyone who’s ever been named Raheem dresses when he goes to Red Lobster. And, oddly, Santa Claus. I don’t know why, but he reminded me of Santa Claus. A passive-aggressive Santa who leaves kids notes about “that summer we hung out on your stepfather’s porch” instead of gifts.
It’s the corniest, stupidest s—t I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen Glitter. Twice!
Naturally, all of the women I know love it.
So, where does this hate come from? You still haven’t really explained it yet. Why do you hate Drake and the “Hotline Bling” song and video?
I thought you weren’t going to ask, but thank you for doing so. Because I’ve been waiting to get this off my chest for a long time.
No problem. Anyway, why do you hate Drake?
I hate Drake with my entire heart because I can’t win. I dance awkwardly in the dark. I have a slight widow’s peak. I send passive-aggressive emails and text messages to exes. I share pictures of myself staring wistfully into the distance, with intentionally cryptic captions like “It’s on me now.” I sulk and pout. I grew a beard this year. It’s not a full beard yet, but it’s getting there. I own sweaters. Many, many luxurious sweaters. I have feelings. I emote. I love strippers. I’ve even been to Canada. Twice! And I just started doing CrossFit.
But no one cares about any of that. At least not when I do it. When I do it, women say, “Please stop doing that.” And “Why are you still doing that?” And “Who told you that doing that was cool?”
When Drake does it, though, women say things like, “My real-life requirements for men get harder to fulfill, yet all Drake needs to do is put on a puffer jacket and dance like a grandpa to have me totally hooked. He also dressed like an Ohio dad on a field trip through most of that video … I didn't know I wanted that, but apparently I do.”
Someone actually said that?
Yes. This is an actual email from an actual woman—an attractive woman with options and a functional brain stem—that I actually received this morning. About Drake. Because it’s always about Drake.
And if the “Hotline Bling” video featured Drake in a quinceañera dress chasing raccoons instead, the email would have read, “My real-life requirements for men get harder to fulfill, yet all Drake needs to do is put on a quinceañera dress and chase a raccoon to have me totally hooked.”
I see. Well, are there any other reasons that you hate Drake?
Yes, there are.
Well … ?
Despite all of these feelings about Drake’s stupid-ass songs with stupid-ass concepts and stupid-ass lyrics … I still listen to his music. Voluntarily. And I … enjoy some of it.
Some of it?
OK, most of it. Which makes me hate him even more. I don’t even know what the hell a “Hotline Bling” is, but I just downloaded it on iTunes.
Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VerySmartBrothas.com. He is also a contributing editor at Ebony.com. He lives in Pittsburgh and he really likes pancakes. You can reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org.