A Completely Arbitrary Ranking Of Christmas Standards


567. "Baby, It's Cold Outside"

Although catchy, this song is basically a date rape how-to guide.

300-350. Any Christmas rap song besides "Christmas in Hollis"

76. "Christmas in Hollis"

Only things worse than Christmas rap? 1. Gospel rap. 2. French rap. 3. Albino roaches.


25. "Here Comes Santa Claus"

Santa Claus does not exist, so this song is a lie. Santa Claus is not coming.

24. "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"

Santa Claus does not exist, so this song is a lie. Santa Claus is not coming to town.

23. "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer"

Just because every time I hear it it reminds me of that time in 9th grade a huge pimple grew on my nose around Christmas time and someone called me "Damon the Red Nosed Hooper"

22. "White Christmas"


21. "All I Want For Christmas Is You"

The quintessential Mariah Carey song, which means it sounds great but doesn't make any sense.


20. "12 Days of Christmas"

Ranks with "Lift Every Voice and Sing" on the list of "Songs everyone knows and no one knows all the words to."


19. "Winter Wonderland"


18. "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year"

Has been corrupted by Lexus commercials. Is also a lie. Because the most wonderful time of the year is the first week of the NBA playoffs.


17. "O Come, All Ye Faithful"

Is actually titled "Adeste Fideles." Which I know you all were dying to know.

16. "Santa Claus Go Straight to the Ghetto"

Because I'd never heard of it before doing the research to make this list. And I'm pissed I've spent over three decades on Earth without someone telling me a song called "Santa Claus Go Straight to the Ghetto" by James Brown existed.


15. "Feliz Navidad"

Because diversity.

14. "Santa Baby"

Because "come and trim my Christmas tree" is the best triple entendre ever.

13. "Frosty the Snowman"

I guess.

12. "Do Your Hear What I Hear?"

The most unlikely standard ever, this song is literally a plea for the world not to end in nuclear war. (Seriously.) And what says Christmas better than the thought of nuclear annihilation?


11. "Deck the Halls"

Is the third happiest-ass song ever made.

10. "Joy to the World"

Is the second happiest-ass song ever made.

9. "Jingle Bells"

Is the happiest-ass song ever made.

8. "Christmas Time is Here"

Because who doesn't love Charlie Brown? (Well, aside from that douchebag Lucy)

7. "Tell it on the Mountain"

Stop everything you're doing right now and go listen to the Harlem Boys Choir rendition of this.


6. "Little Drummer Boy"

You know a song is great when everyone knows it but no one knows any words other than "ba-rum-bum-bum-bum"


5. "This Christmas"

My president is Black.

4. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas"

Is the shadiest title, ever. Can almost imagine it was originally titled "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas…Bitch"


3."The Christmas Song"

Because who doesn't want some chestnuts roasting on an open fire right now?

2. "Silent Night"

Perhaps the most melancholy Christmas song. Which is perfect. Because Christmas is the most melancholy holiday. Could have been on Yeezus.


1. "O Holy night"

Is one of the best songs ever produced.


Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)



First, Christmas in Hollis by Run DMC is the greatest Christmas song…of all time! And that has nothing to do with the fact that I'm a Hollis native. Absolutely nothing at all. :) Seriously, the existence of this song makes growing up in an otherwise anonymous Black middle class neighborhood much more bearable.

Two is Back Door Santa by Clarence Carter. Of course, it's sampled in Christmas in Hollis, but the lyrics to this are hilarious.

Three is that I f*cking judge you Champ for not knowing about "Santa Claus, Go Straight To the Ghetto". Your Black card is under review my ninja!

Oh, and there's that "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time" by Paul McCartney and Wings. How come no one has sampled that track is one of hip-hop's greatest mysteries.

Merry Christmas to all! Of course, I'll have to spend this one without my kid, so it'll be funny. Still, there's basketball on TV, even if the Knicks defense is so bad that my dad could put up 37, 15 and 8 on them. And that makes me happy. :)