As we stand on the precipice of a brand new year, the staff at The Root is hopeful that everyone can use the past 12 months as a valuable learning experience in the quest for growth and change.
As such, we have convened a world-renowned panel of experts in the field of Wypipology to compile a list of items that white America can build upon in the upcoming year. These are not mandates. They are simply a few suggestions our boot-cut Wrangler-wearing brothers and sisters should consider for 2019.
I would never insinuate that white people wholesale abandon their centuries-long relationship with law enforcement officers. I know you guys have been tight since the fugitive slave patrol days but I honestly think you can wean yourselves off your addiction to using 911 like a technical support hotline for white people.
I know many of you are not in favor of affirmative action, but I think we should get a Congressional committee to explore giving white people a police call limit like the NFL does with coaches challenges. You only get three 911 calls a year. If you dial the authorities and your police call is overturned, you lose your right to call the police for a period of three months. Or maybe you can use another scientifically researched approach:
Chilling the fuck out.
If you want to bring this country together in 2019, I suggest you do not go to YouTube and search for “I Got 5 On It Acoustic Cover.”
See. You’re so damn hard-headed.
First, I’d like to give you guys some credit for inventing this racism thing. Along with autoerotic asphyxiation and Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies, racism is one of the things you guys created that seems to have no end. It’s really remarkable. You should be proud.
But you should really stop thinking that you get to tell anyone whether something is racist or not. Of course, there are some things that don’t feel racist to you because they don’t affect you. In 2019, feel free to leave the definition of racism to the people it actually affects.
I know you often say: “I’m not racist,” but how the hell do you know? It’s like setting someone on fire, hearing their screams and telling them:
“C’mon, that doesn’t burn! It’s not even that hot.”
I wasn’t sure I should include this one because there are only like, three white people in America who don’t have a podcast already. I’m pretty sure there are more podcasts than actual people in America. One of the joys of white privilege must be the ability to convince yourself that you are really interesting and people want to hear your opinion about why Toby McGuire was the best Spiderman or how you can’t love anyone until you love yourself. I guarantee there isn’t a white podcast in existence that hasn’t explored that subject.
And while you’re at it, y’all can chill on the most privileged genre on YouTube —unboxing videos. There’s literally a category dedicated to saying “Watch me get some new shit you don’t have.” Until the local community college offers an associate degree in taking shit out of the box, no one wants to see that shit. Now, if one out of every 23 boxes had a spitting cobra in it, I’d watch that.
Blues, jazz, hip-hop, rock and roll, fashion, big booties, full lips, dark skin, clothing, the “Wakanda Forever” salute, the electric slide, graffiti, every form of American dance, cuisine, votes, the way we walk, the way we talk, inoculation, twerking and everything Miley Cyrus does —they will ridicule black people for doing it ...
Until they figure out a way to steal that shit and sell it.
In 2019, when you see people of color take a stance that is the opposite of what you believe, stop presenting that bullshit strawman argument that “They must hate ___.” They are quick to tell people to leave the country if they don’t like it.
When the NFL players kneel, it means they are disrespecting the troops. When Black Live Matter protests police brutality, it means they hate cops. When people advocate for gun control, it means they hate the second amendment. Anything pro-black is seen as anti-white. We don’t want a lego wall along the Southern border so we hate border security.
Using the same logic, Republicans must hate black voters, the FBI, women, gays, health care, the middle class, the ozone layer, science, history, schools, vaginas and black people who don’t have bullet holes in them.
When they say: “Make America Great Again,” don’t they know it insinuates that the country is not so great now?
Why do they hate America so much?
We don’t need any hot wing-flavored Oreos or vodka that tastes like honeydew melons. We’re good! Crown Royal has been around for nearly 100 years. I don’t need liquor to taste like applesauce. What’s more, Crown Apple doesn’t taste like apple! It tastes like an apple pop-tart got drunk and pissed in a vat of high fructose corn syrup.
And “Flamin Hot” is not a flavor! You guys are just making shit up now; y’all need to stop before someone gets hurt. It all started with Cool Ranch Doritos and now, apparently, a temperature is a flavor. They have fried pickles with ranch flavored potato chips. You’re doing too much.
Like my grandfather used to say about flavors, face tattoos and holding in farts:
“Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.”
Whenever anyone brings up a discussion about race that is centered on something that gives whites the heebie-jeebies, they often accuse you of separating people or “creating more division.” Acknowledging that history, economics and America’s entire social structure upholds white supremacy is supposed to feel uncomfortable.
Somehow, racism is the only problem that ever existed in the world that can be solved by simply ignoring it.