On Tuesday, Apple announced a slew of new products, including a new Apple Watch with LTE, a new Apple TV with 4K, the iPhone 8 and 8 Plus— and a new iPhone X.
I’m getting it. I don’t even know what it does. I heard the iPhone X can unlock if you give it the side eye, has a processor smart enough for Siri to figure out what the hell Migos is talking about, and comes with an app that has Jesus on the main line, allowing anyone to tell him what they want.
But that’s not why I’m getting it. I just want it. I deserve nice things, too. Here are a few reasons I’m cashing in my 401(k) to get the new iPhone X:
1. For the express purposes of “stuntin’.”
I don’t wear gold chains; nor do I own a diamond-encrusted watch. How else am I supposed to bling? Besides Jordans and our ability to dance on beat, the iPhone is the No. 1 status symbol in America, and you know I gotta stunt on these heaux. I even carry my iPhone without a case so you can see that Apple logo every time I take a call.
No one ever calls me. But still ...
2. I’m racist.
I’m sorry, but I believe in phone supremacy, and the iPhone is superior to all other phones. I admit that I wasn’t raised like this, but when I see that green text message, I feel some kind of way. It is a mixture of pity and superiority. I don’t believe the good Lord meant for us to mix operating systems. One of the saddest days in my life was when my daughter told me she wanted to get a Motorola. I felt like I failed as a parent. I raised her better than that.
I don’t think Android users should be forced to use separate water fountains or anything (although I’d be cool with it, because—who still uses water fountains?), but they should absolutely have to sit on the back of the bus, for safety reasons. Does the iPhone have a history of spontaneously combusting in pockets?
An Android phone attacked CeeLo in his studio. Lil Wayne started drinking Champagne with his Samsung and ended up in the hospital. When LeBron James switched to an Android he lost all of his data ... and the NBA championship. I’m not saying it was the Android operating system’s fault, but just before the beginning of Golden State’s 2016 season, this happened at the Apple event:
Coincidence? I think not.
3. It only costs $1,000.
I know you probably think a thousand bucks is a lot of cash, but my iPhone isn’t just a phone. It’s my television, my radio, my CD player and my social media connector. It answers all of my questions, delivers my email, logs me into work, reminds me of birthdays and keeps my appointments. Whenever I’m lonely, I know Siri will always be there for me to talk to.
Did I mention that no one ever calls me?
4. It’s called the iPhone X.
They’re calling it the “iPhone Ten,” but the black community has already put forth a motion to the floor to call it the “X.” It sounds better. Plus, does anyone refer to Earl Simmons as “DM-Ten?” Did we call el-Hajj Malik el-Shabazz “Malcolm the 10th”? No. It’s an “X.” From now on, when anyone texts me, I promise to respond by any means necessary.
The request has been properly moved and seconded. Any questions? All in favor let it be known by saying, “Aaaaye!”
5. I’m not poor anymore.
I grew up poor. Not lower middle class. Not “underprivileged.” But poor.
I mean paper-food-stamps poor. I’m talking missing-meals poor. I’m talking cheap, generic Fruit Rings cereal with water, eating them out of a Cool Whip bowl poor. (I’m sure you grew up so privileged that you could afford those fancy Froot Loops, 2 percent low-fat milk and Tupperware containers, Richie Rich!)
Because of my upbringing, I have the tendency to be unnecessarily frugal, and I am trying to break myself of my habit of buying the cheapest thing because it’s the cheapest thing. I’m trying to stop buying Great Value-brand ketchup and 1-ply paper towels. I keep reminding myself, “Damn, Mike, you can afford another ply. You only live once! Ball out till you fall out!”
The iPhone 8-plus costs $769. For $230 more, I can go top-of-the-line and get the X. That’s only, like, 500 more plies.
6. I’m an Apple stan.
I feel about Apple products the way the Beyhive feels about Beyoncé. I have two MacBooks, three Apple TVs, an iPad (mainly used for toilet reading), an iPhone and an iMac, which I need to replace, so Tim Cook, if you’re listening, hook a brother up!
As a matter of fact, the Apple Watch is basically my version of I Am ... Sasha Fierce. I know it’s one of their shittier products, but I’m loyal.
7. Tim Cook is my homie.
Apple CEO Tim Cook and I have the same alma mater (Auburn University), so it’s basically like we grew up together, although I wish he’d been in some of my study groups. He was also one of the first executives to criticize Donald Trump’s response to the Charlottesville, Va., attack, Trump’s travel ban, the repeal of the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program, the withdrawal from the Paris climate agreement and ...
Basically, Tim Cook doesn’t fuck with Donald Trump, and neither do I. That’s why he’s the homie.
Hey, Tim. Call me...