Photo: Eric Thayer (Getty Images)

Anyone who has ever read anything I’ve ever written knows how much I don’t care for Donald Trump or anything Trump-related, including his golf courses, his clothing, his children, his immigration policy, his wife, his real estate and his white-man lace front. I don’t even like ketchup on the table if I’m eating a steak.

I also don’t like pettiness. Well, unless I’m the one being petty—then I’m here for it. But I don’t like petty when it looks like bitch-assness. Because of this, I don’t like James Comey. He is no hero of mine, and I think he really needs to kill this redemption act, as if he’s trying to right the wrongs created by the Trump administration, when he was complicit in helping him get elected.

Never forget that 11 days before the presidential election, Comey decided to reopen an investigation into Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton’s emails. Because Comey believed that Clinton had a clear shot to the White House, he claims, he reopened the case in “the spirit of transparency” (which, from what I can tell, is the love child of “the spirit of the law” and the Holy Spirit).

It was an unprecedented move that many believe helped KFC-helmet-head win the election and thusly fucked the rest of the country. Even White House adviser and White Walker Kellyanne Conway suggested that Comey helped sway the election, a statement she now claims was a joke.

Almost as soon as Trump got into office, he fired Comey’s ass, and now the 6-foot-8-inch, shaved-Sasquatch agent has written a tell-all book, A Higher Loyalty, and is on a world tour to sell said book. Comey is basically the political version of the notoriously petty, and arguably the world’s first official glorified groupie, Karrine “Superhead” Steffans.

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On Sunday, Comey gave his first sit-down interview with ABC News to help sell his exposé, A Higher Loyalty.

Here are five questions in response to that interview:

1. Was Comey serious when he said he was never going to write a book?

Bitch, please. A lot of us aren’t going to do anything petty until we feel scorned, and then all the petty comes gushing out. Like a scorned lover, Comey wasn’t going to write a tell-all until he got fired, and then all bets were off. Below is exclusive footage obtained by The Root of Comey not writing his book:

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Comey wants everyone to believe that he has a higher moral calling that forces him to push for the truth, but that is just bullshit. The president was lying from the time he stepped into office, and Comey wasn’t fighting for truth and justice when he was gainfully employed.

I have no problem with Comey writing said book, but I do have a problem with him acting as if everything he does, including reopening an investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails, is for the good of the people, when, at this point, he’s merely the political version of an Instagram model selling flat-tummy tea.

2. Did Comey try to come for Obama?

Yes. Yes, he did.

Former President Barack Obama basically stated publicly that he didn’t think that Hillary Clinton had done anything wrong regarding email servers. When asked about his comments, Comey stated: “It really did surprise me. He’s a very smart man and a lawyer. And so it surprised me. He shouldn’t have done it.”

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I CAN’T ALL-CAPS TYPE HARD ENOUGH TO CONVEY THE LEVEL OF HATRED I FEEL FOR THIS STATEMENT.

During an April 2016 interview with Fox Fake News, Obama was asked flatly if he believed that Clinton jeopardized America’s secrets.

Here’s Obama’s answer:

I’ve got to be careful because, as you know, there have been investigations, there are hearings, Congress is looking at this. And I haven’t been sorting through each and every aspect of this.

Here’s what I know: Hillary Clinton was an outstanding secretary of state. She would never intentionally put America in any kind of jeopardy. …

I continue to believe that she has not jeopardized America’s national security. Now what I’ve also said is that — and she has acknowledged — that there’s a carelessness, in terms of managing emails, that she has owned, and she recognizes.

But I also think it is important to keep this in perspective. This is somebody who has served her country for four years as secretary of state, and did an outstanding job. And no one has suggested that in some ways, as a consequence of how she’s handled emails, that that detracted from her excellent ability to carry out her duties.

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There’s not one thing even remotely wrong with Obama’s statement. He notes that Clinton was careless but that she didn’t jeopardize the country. You know what jeopardized the country? Announcing that the head of the FBI was opening an investigation into the Democratic candidate 11 days before the election.

3. Was Comey working the poll?

Well, he wasn’t working it so much as watching it, and what’s disturbing here is why the former head of the FBI keeps using polls and poll numbers as his justification for why he decided to look into Clinton’s emails. According to Comey, he was sure that Clinton was going to win the election, so in the spirit of transparency toward the person he believed was going to be the next president, he set out to show that he wasn’t going to be one of her lackeys.

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The problem with this theory is that the head of the FBI is supposed to be blind to the leanings of polls and political scuttlebutt. Comey also argued that he had to come forward with the information found on former New York Rep. Anthony Weiner’s laptop when he realized it was there because not doing so could have been catastrophic. The reality is that nothing new was on Weiner’s laptop, and speaking up turned out to be even more catastrophic. But I don’t think Comey even thought about that.

And, as if all of this weren’t confusing enough, Comey dropped this little nugget: “If I ever start considering whose political fortunes will be affected by a decision, we’re done.”

But didn’t he just say he assumed that Clinton had it in the bag, and that was why he wanted to be forthcoming? Please see my earlier statements about Comey being a political version of a video model who posts social media photos with Drake lyrics:

I live for the nights that I can’t remember with the people that I won’t forget ...

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Photo: Chip Somodevilla (Getty Images)

Was Comey considering running for office? 

Well, he kind of randomly notes that he won’t be running for office, which is kind of like what I used to say in high school when a teacher would tell me to stop talking. I would raise my hand, and when called on, I would note that I wouldn’t be talking. Basically, Comey just wants to point out for the record that he won’t be running for office, should anyone be concerned about it.

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I would like to note here that I will not be running for president in the 2020 election.

Could there possibly be pee tapes of the president and Russian hookers?

I don’t know whether the—the—current president of the United States was with prostitutes peeing on each other in Moscow in 2013. It’s possible, but I don’t know.

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This might be the most beautiful statement from Comey, and here’s why: because it doesn’t immediately destroy the notion that Russian pee tapes exist, and this is coming from the former head of the FBI. If anyone would know whether there was actual video footage of the president enjoying “water sports,” it would be the former head of the FBI, and the best he could muster was an “I don’t know.”

Here is what I know: If Comey knew unequivocally that there were no tapes, he would come right out and say it, wouldn’t he? Fuck no, he wouldn’t, because Comey keeps proving that hell hath no fury like a yeti-turned-former FBI director scorned.