Steve Bannon was once the darling of the “alt-right” and the White House. He was the white Umar Johnson and Tariq Nasheed for President Donald Trump’s run to the presidency, but then he got booted out of the Oval Office after several reported dustups with the president’s real daughter, Ivanka Trump, and his fake daughter, Hope Hicks.
Bannon announced that he was going back to his old life of being the head of Breitbart, communiqué for racists and aspiring racists. But then Fire and Fury, the book poised to bring down the White House, was released, and now Bannon was talking mad reckless about his former employer. Meanwhile, the White House has gone on record noting that it doesn’t fuck with him, and now he’s out at Breitbart.
That’s right. According to ABC News, the Prince of Potato Skin is stepping down from his role at the alt-right alternative. Below are five possible jobs Bannon can consider now that he finds himself unemployed.
Racists love some Walmart, mostly because it’s a one-stop shop for racism. You can get a tiki torch, khakis, a gun, hair gel, megaphone, suspenders, denim overalls, camouflage shit and thermos. It’s literally racism’s favorite store, and what better than the commander of the alt-right there to greet you as you enter?
This actually serves two purposes. One, it gives Bannon employment, and two, he’d have to grow a beard, which would cover most of his face, which we can all admit looks like rotten potato skin. Nothing says white man like microbrewing beer, as blacks don’t really consume craft beers, so the market and the creation is inherently racist, making it a perfect fit for someone like Bannon, who’s already halfway there in his Barbour coats.
I don’t know whether or not Bannon has skills in this area, but I know that this area loves white men. In fact, this industry talks a big diversity game, but in a survey conducted by Stack Overflow—which polled 11,445 developers in the U.S., 85.5 percent of whom were men, and a majority of whom were white—when asked how important the overall diversity of a company was in determining whether they wanted to work there, respondents scored the issue, on average, 1.9 out of 5, making it their least important consideration. Proving that white men are fine with keeping tech America white, and Bannon would love nothing more than to continue this trend.
Seriously, have you ever seen a black lumberjack?
This wouldn’t be that far off from the work that he was doing in the White House. America’s terrorist problem is overwhelmingly white and male. In order to be a domestic terrorist, you need a certain level of cowardice, hatred and a history of racism, all of which Bannon has in spades.
In the comic book world of Bannon’s life, this would be the part where he goes underground, only to emerge as a more sinister character. Let’s hope for all of our sakes that that isn’t the case, but considering that Bannon is grossly overqualified for this position, I’m not holding my breath.