5 Black People That Would’ve Been a Better Choice for Attorney General Than Merrick ‘Milquetoast’ Garland

Merrick Garland
Merrick Garland
Photo: Brendan Smialowski (Getty Images)

Merrick Garland wasn’t supposed to be eligible to become attorney general because he was supposed to be a Supreme Court Justice. But then Mitch McConnell stepped up and never gave Garland a chance to have a confirmation hearing and thus Trump stacked the court.

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But that was years ago, back when we could go outside and the president was Black.

Because Joe Biden doesn’t seem to understand or give a fuck that Black people (really Black women; see, Stacey Abrams and the WNBA) have not only put him where he is but ensured that he will be working with a Democrat Congress, Biden decided to undo the wrong done to Garland by nominating him as attorney general instead of throwing a lob to the Black people who put him in this position.

Do you know how fucking hard it is to turn a Southern state like Georgia blue? Do you know how many slave songs have been written just about Georgia?

This one might be my favorite:

And then when you get a chance to say, “I see you Black people. I hear you and I got you,” this nigga nominated the equivalent of a pair of white socks from Marshall’s as the attorney general. In this past year of racial injustice and Black Lives Matter protests this nigga nominated the equivalent of a Honda Civic. The pumpkin spice foamed latte. The all-white Reebok classics.

Below are five Black choices that Biden could have and should have gone with:

5. Brandon Scott

The Baltimore mayor should’ve been nominated on this video alone:

4. Posthumous Nomination Uncle Phil

He wasn’t just Black America’s most beloved Dad, he was a judge who believed in fairness and what’s right. And he kept Will and Carlton from killing each other and how can any of us forget this moment

3. Stacey Abrams

The unfuckwitable kingmaker is here in the No. 3 spot because The Root Senior Writer Michael Harriot has convinced me that she doesn’t want a job working for the king she just made, or as Harriot said, “Nigga, that’s like Jay-Z signing to Meek Mill’s record label.” And he’s right but the offer should’ve been made so that she can turn it down because that’s the respectful thing to do.

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2. Barack Obama

Look, I totally know that Obama has no interest in fucking with America again. That relationship is over. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t dream. And that also doesn’t mean that Republican scholar and former U.S. Ambassador Douglas Kmiec can’t dream with me.

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1. Auntie Maxine

Here is what I know about Auntie Maxine Waters: In 1997, around the time when crack was destroying California, Maxine Waters spent her own money to fly to Nicaragua to get answers. If that doesn’t say America’s top cop I don’t know what else will.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

DISCUSSION

The Garland nomination is a straight-up “fuck you” to Mitch McConnell. Excuse me, make that “Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell”.