As Barack Obama’s second presidential term winds to a close, black Americans are contemplating the sad prospect of holding their noses when they cast their votes for the next commander in chief. Instead of choosing the lesser of the remaining evils, here are five choices you should consider for the next black president of the United States:
1. Cardi B
If we are seriously considering the prospect that a reality star could be our next head of state, then why not the bootylicious Bronx, N.Y., beauty from Love & Hip Hop? Cardi B’s sneaky genius has manifested itself in countless quotes that seem stupid at first but, upon further contemplation, reveal an unexpected intellect wrapped inside the body of an African goddess. When a presidential-debate moderator implores her to treat her Republican opponent nicely, voters would love to hear Cardi’s infamous retort: “I am being nice to you. Have I stabbed you? No. Then I’m being nice.”
As tired as we are of half-truth, humdrum talking points, President B would reinvigorate the political process by addressing global warming with her platform of “A ho never gets cold,” or confronting systematic inequality with “Bitch, I’m a human just like you. I like chicken with barbecue sauce just like you.” Plus, America would have a clear advantage in geopolitics because no world leader could concentrate during negotiations while Cardi jiggled around the G-8 summit in her strapless freakum dress.
I’m sure conservatives would be up in arms about an exotic dancer as president, but many people aren’t aware that before he ascended to the presidency, Rutherford B. Hayes was a male stripper during the 1850s who went by the name Sen. Harry Weiner the D—k Slinger.
Campaign slogan: “The ‘B’ stands for ‘But dat ass, tho.’”
2. Ta-Nehisi Coates
He’s smart, articulate and well versed in political dialogue. T-Neezy has become the de facto leader of the black intelligentsia, so he might as well be our choice for president. We love Ta-Nehisi Coates because he is unafraid to tell white people the unbuffed facts to their faces without sugarcoating the unpleasant truth. He is just like Donald Trump, except he knows what he’s talking about. Black America would rush to line up behind candidate Coates without hesitation for one reason: the debates. You know he is going to make his white conservative opponent cry real tears when Coates throws undisputed facts in his face.
If you thought white America hated Obamacare, just wait until the Coates Reparations Act of 2017. We have been waiting for a candidate who wears a Kangol, but we don’t want Samuel L. Jackson to ever stop making those hilarious commercials with Sir Charles and Spike Lee. Plus, Jackson might scream “motherf—ker” during a State of the Union. That scares white people.
Campaign slogan: “Run TNC.”
3. Morgan Freeman
Morgan Freeman has played the commander in chief so many times, I’m willing to bet that if we conducted a Gallup Poll, it would report that 18 percent of Americans believe Morgan Freeman has already served a term as president—and another 11 percent believe he is God. The electorate doesn’t even have to imagine him in the Oval Office because we already have ample footage. White America is uneasy with black leadership, but it might trust the guy who stopped a meteor from hitting the Earth.
With his voice alone, Freeman would bring gravitas to the office like no other politician could. In the age of weather disasters, the Islamic State group and other existential threats, whose voice would you rather hear during a crisis: Ted Cruz’s reptilian squawking or the soothing baritone of America’s favorite magical Negro?
Campaign slogan: “Vote for Morgan Freeman. I’m God and I approve this message.”
4. Michelle Obama
You know Michelle Obama is going to be president one day, right? We might as well get on with it. She has a degree from Princeton and Harvard Law School. She spent her entire career in public service and education. She was a record-setting fundraiser in the private sector. Michelle Obama’s résumé makes Hillary Clinton’s look like a high school junior’s Wal-Mart application.
Aside from her obvious credentials, she is the only person equipped to solve the problems in the Middle East. She might not have very much foreign-policy experience, but she has dealt with more unreasonable hate than almost anyone in the history of mankind. The vitriol white people have thrown at the first lady makes the Sunni vs. Shia conflict look like a Sasha vs. Malia pillow fight. A black mother is the greatest problem solver in the world, and the first lady has raised two well-adjusted black children in front of America. If you lock the Israelis, the Palestinians and Michelle Obama in a room, I give them 30 minutes before they emerge shaking hands, whimpering, “Yes, ma’am” in Arabic and Hebrew—45, tops.
Campaign slogan: “Vote Michelle; don’t make me come over there!”
5. Omar From The Wire
Not the actor Michael K. Williams. I’m talking about the character Omar Little from HBO’s hit television series. I’m sure some people will say, “But he’s a fictional character”—but so is Donald Trump. I’m convinced I’m going to wake up one day and all of white America will be laughing at how it convinced us that the orange-haired Hitler could actually become head of state. I’m holding out hope that his candidacy is all an elaborate prank from the producers of Punk’d.
Omar, however, would make a great president, especially if he selected Brother Mouzone as vice president. America needs a chief executive who garners global respect. Omar is that man. You think Putin would act like an a—hole if O were sitting in the United Nations General Assembly in his trench coat with a do-rag tied tightly over his cornrows? You think Kim Jong Un would continue testing nuclear missiles off the coast of North Korea after President Little called him up on the red phone and whispered, “You come at the king, you best not miss.”
Campaign slogan: “Omar coming!”