Round 1 of our tournament is officially in the books, and now we are in the second round of the 2017 World Wypipo Tournament, sponsored by Caucasian Farms Potato Salad—whose ingredients are simple and fresh (it’s just mayonnaise and white potatoes).
Please remember, this competition has nothing to do with white people. It is for wypipo. If you’re having trouble remembering the difference, here is a visual reminder:
Now that you know, let’s see who advanced to the second round and break down our regions:
Everyone knows that Steve Bannon is the racist, xenophobic mascot of the “alt-right” with a head the size of a beach ball. He’s the man behind Donald Trump’s racist rhetoric. But imagine if Bannon had been in politics for almost 50 years and had a few more racist credentials, like Richard Nixon’s presidential campaign, the Willie Horton ad and Ronald Reagan’s war on drugs.
That’s Roger Stone.
In an opening-round shocker, Andrew Anglin upset one of the most noted racists of our time—Richard Spencer. While Spencer has more headlines, as owner and founder of the Daily Stormer, Anglin has more money, power, influence and minions. Plus, he harassed American University’s first black female student body president and ordered his legions to do the same.
Milo Yiannopoulos, though. He got his fans to hack Leslie Jones and post nude pictures of her on the internet. In fact, Yiannopoulos is so racist, he was permanently banned from Twitter. That should be worth a couple points, right?
This all depends on how you like your douchebags—young or old. Do you like them to champion their whiteness by saying white people invented and created everything good, like Steve King did on live TV? Or do you like your douchebags weaselly, endowed with privilege from birth and handed the keys to everything important in America?
The Koch brothers have more money than God and use it to finance their own Republican-backed oligarchy. They’re so rich and evil, they must own a dungeon. How could they not?
Instead of talking about how now-U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions once told a black U.S. attorney to watch how he talked to white folks, or how he wants to reinstate mandatory minimums, or how he once said he liked the Ku Klux Klan, I’ll just say this: Jeff Sessions hates marijuana.
Whites Gone Wild
Even though this kid asked someone to the prom while wearing blackface, you must respect him for upsetting a No. 1 seed—something that has never happened in this tournament. Is he worse than the 18-year old who pulled a gun on a woman during a road rage incident?
In a head-to-head matchup of racist Louisiana educators, you must choose between the white supremacist New Orleans principal or the hardworking teacher who tried to teach the students about the word “nigger” by saying it repeatedly.
I know he could’ve just come in golf shoes, carried golf clubs and donned a red shirt, but the Louisiana House candidate’s costume wouldn’t have really been complete without the blackface. And I suppose you get your Starbucks every day without going on a racist rant? Yeah, right.
Does the match go to the hatemongers who have centuries of racism and prejudice, or the people who poisoned an entire population to save $9.10?
No one reads Breitbart—not even the people at Breitbart—but every court case, trial and piece of history teaches us that Blue Lives Matter. Even I agree that Blue Lives Matter. The only ones I don’t like is Gargamel, but Smurfette was so fine that I ... wait. “Blue Lives” refers to police and not Smurfs? You gotta be kidding me!
After beating the higher-seeded National Rifle Association, white allies seemed poised to make a run for the Sweet 16. But white allies are always calling foul, so it basically depends on the referees.
Proud Trump voters vs. lying Trump voters. This is between the people who wore those cheap-ass, old-man-font “Make America Great Again” hats or the people who wore pink pussy hats.
TransRachel is one of the greatest Beckys of all time. Is it possible that she could be upset by an upstart Becky who only has money, power and political influence to offer? Education Secretary Betsy DeVos bought her way into her position, but Becky Zulu lied her way into the cookout. Who’s worse?
I’m not saying that Megyn Kelly can’t beat Kim Kardashian. Even if Kardashian is basically a big-booty porn star who recently wore blackface and said she was just “very tan,” we can’t forget that Kelly spread lies at Fox News for more than a decade and then got out. You can see the blood in her eyes, or her ... whatever.
I’m kinda bummed that Lena Dunham, who was undefeated throughout the regular Becky season, lost in the first round. Can the woman who believes that she’s allowed to say “nigger” win two in a row and upset Kellyanne Conway—who still holds the Wypipo Tournament record for most lies told in a single day?
These two young competitors might go far in this tournament. Tomi Lahren has been getting a lot of rest since she was fired, but Kylie and Kendall Jenner are endowed with so much privilege that they are going to be hard to beat unless Voletta Wallace or someone from Afeni Shakur’s estate catches up with them and lays a good ass-whipping on the two for superimposing their initials and images over images of Biggie and Tupac on T-shirts and selling them online.
Today’s winners will move on to the Sweet 16, so vote for who you think is the worst of the wypipo, and always remember: It’s not about whether you win or lose ...
I can’t remember the rest. I’m black, so I can’t afford the luxury of believing in bullshit like that.