Bothem Jean
Photo: AP Images

After a burglar broke into Botham Jean’s Dallas apartment and reportedly killed him (I know, I know, but I have to say “reportedly.”), police now say they found .37 ounces of marijuana in Jean’s residence.

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Although this revelation initially made me angry, I quickly remembered that every time a white person kills an unarmed black man, the first thing cops do is say that there was marijuana in the black victim’s system. Trayvon Martin had marijuana in his system when George Zimmerman killed him. Mike Brown had marijuana in his system when he was killed by Darren Wilson. So did Alton Sterling, Sandra Bland, Stephon Clark and Laquan McDonald.

I have no idea why any of this matters except that leaking information in a sealed case seems like an obvious attempt to smear a victim and, by proxy, make the suspect look clean. Apparently, cops believe marijuana is a magical substance that gives black bodies a magnetic attraction to bullets.

Not only do I not care that marijuana was found in Shem’s apartment, here’s what they would have to find in Jean’s apartment before it distracted me from the fact that a woman reportedly (I know) killed a man in cold blood:

  1. A director’s cut of Trump’s Russian pee tape in HD with subtitles and commentary by Vladimir Putin.
  2. A complete list of names and addresses for all of the people who let the dogs out.
  3. A final signed draft of the U.S. Constitution showing an undiscovered amendment saying Barack Obama can be president again.
  4. Amber Guyger’s written confession.
  5. The answer to: “Why are white people like this?”
  6. A signed and notarized copy of a letter from Beyonce affirming that, at last, she thinks I am finally ready for that jelly.
  7. Directions to Wakanda
  8. My nigga, Waldo. I hear y’all were looking for him.
  9. An unreleased season of The Wire
  10. Martin Luther King’s dream.
  11. White people’s rhythm.
  12. One single person from New York who can have a conversation for 30 minutes without telling you they’re from New York.
  13. ... And if they’re from Brooklyn, I’ll give them 5 minutes.
  14. One reason, besides racism, why 30 percent of America still supports Donald Trump.
  15. A Super Bowl featuring the Dallas Cowboys versus the New England Patriots but Dak Prescot gets hurt during the NFC Championship and the backup sucks so Jerry Jones signs Colin Kaepernick, who goes to Dallas but, just before kickoff, he refuses to play unless Jerry Jones kneels with him during the national anthem, which Jerry Jones is forced to do and Kaepernick’s energized Cowboys whips Tom Brady’s ass and white people’s heads explode like houses in Massachusetts (what the fuck is that about?) and Roger Goodell has to hand Kap the Super Bowl MVP Trophy and nothing happens to the troops, the flag or the anthem.

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Other than that, I don’t give a fuck if they discovered Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson hiding in the closet hitting a bong with Jesus, the Pope and Bigfoot, because I know what else they found in that apartment:

Botham Jean’s dead body with Amber Guyger’s bullets in it...

Reportedly.