10 Thoughts I Had Watching a Kayaker Get the Shit Slapped Out of Him With an Octopus by a Seal

Illustration for article titled 10 Thoughts I Had Watching a Kayaker Get the Shit Slapped Out of Him With an Octopus by a Seal
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1. This is exactly why I don’t fuck with nature. This is also why God made me a black man. More on that later.


2. This might be uncouth, but that seal would catch those hands. No bullshit, I’d have to jump INTO the water, find the seal and we’d have to fight. I can’t think of a single thing more disrespectful in life than being slapped with an octopus. I’ve seen niggas get slapped with money before. I saw somebody get slapped with a Big Joker to end a game of Spades. I once saw a man slap another man with a motherfucking Whopper from Burger King. All are supremely disrespectful and all ended up in (understandable) fisticuffs. None of that matches a motherfucking web-footed mammal using ANOTHER wildlife sea habitant to slap you in the face. We’re both mammals dammit, Broseph! The seal would catch those hands.

3. I’d probably lose to the seal but its the principle. OK, I’d definitely lose to the seal. Considering the location, we’d be fighting in the water and I’m not Aquaman so this fight already has a short time limit. This seal nigga don’ already slapped me with an octopus, so he’s kind of about that life, which means he’s probably looking for a fight to begin with. I don’t know what he’s dealing with in life or what, but wars have been started over less. Seal nigga is with the shits. So I’d lose, but nobody would say that I didn’t go for mines, is all I’m saying.

4. Back to not fucking with nature. You know who fucks with nature a lot? White people. You know who got slapped by an octopus? A white man in a kayak. This looks like a crime of opportunity to me and I’m guessing perhaps seals, or maybe just this seal, in particular, is a seal of color and has had enough.

5. Poor octopus. Or maybe also-annoyed-with-white-kayakers octopus. I can’t decide if the octopus is in on the gag or not. My heart wants him not to be a victim of seal bullying here. But what if they were talking under the sea (under the sea) and he was like, “Yo, the next white man in a kayak that comes through here, fam, I wish I could slap him.” Maybe the seal nigga—I’ll call him Seal—was like, “If you’re with it, we can make this happen. I can get us up there and you let them hammers spray, bro!” If this ever gets made into a movie, I really hope that’s the plotline.

6. My guess is, though, that Seal—that’s the seal’s new name, remember—probably wanted to slap a kayaker and just grabbed the octopus and used him in a display of pure petty uncouthness. Which means that Seal is extra about that life, which means I’d definitely lose the fight (No. 2) that I’d lose (No. 3). You just don’t fuck with petty seals named Seal.


7. Back to God making me a black man: I cannot imagine this happening to a black person. I’m not saying it can’t happen, I just can’t envision it. The kayaker smiled and shit after the slappage. There is no smiling when a black person gets slapped with shit. Especially not a black man. Disrespect has gotten more of us killed than the cancer. The white kayakers all got a laugh out of it. That’s just not happening if the kayakers are black.

Hmm. Or maybe it is because what the fuck else do you do when you’ve been slapped with a seal? I don’t know man, maybe you laugh or maybe you jump in the water and go at the seal; I suppose I can see them both as possibilities. Nobody wins here.


But the seal.

8. If the other seals aren’t under the sea (under the sea) yelling, “Bumaye Seal!” I’d be highly disappointed.


9. In that same vein, I wonder if Seal has become a folk hero down under. Like does he never have to pay for his, I don’t know ... plankton again? Dumb question, I know. But real question. Like is he now know as The Kayaker Slapper? He/she should be.

10. This is why I don’t fuck with nature. Sometimes tigers go tiger, and every now and then a motherfucking seal is going to slap you with an octopus.

Panama Jackson is the Senior Editor of Very Smart Brothas. He's pretty fly for a light guy. You can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking all her brown liquors.


Dhiraj Naseen

I was all prepared to explain that clearly Seal was tussling with his cousin - let’s call him JuneSeal (not SealKwan, he’s in jail again) - over that octopus and got it away from him just as the water colonizer came by, accidentally slapping him across the face.

Then I looked at the freeze frames and saw he clearly just grabbed ‘pus (Trump?Repulican seal??) and afterward, completely let go of the tentacled being, very FOOH.

It’s clear Seal did the equivalent of ya moms grabbing the first thing available to beat you. He got slapped with the seal version of a pink unbreakable comb. Damn.