10 Things You Should Buy With Your COVID Check

Illustration for article titled 10 Things You Should Buy With Your COVID Check
Photo: ungvar (Shutterstock)

Late yesterday evening, Congress passed a wide-ranging relief bill that will send $600 to every taxpayer making less than $75,000. I haven’t done the math but, that probably only leaves out Bill Gates, Oprah and maybe Beyoncé. Thankfully, the kind folks in the federal legislature have graciously doled out enough money to sustain unemployed broke-asses like Donald Trump, Kylie Jenner and two soon-to-be-jobless senators down in Georgia.

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Now that Congress has agreed to make it rain on the regular people, I’m sure you’re wondering what you’re going to do with all of that money.

Instead of blowing it all on cocaine and white women, the financial team at The Root came up with a list of suggestions that will not only stimulate your personal economy but will ensure that your windfall will benefit you for minutes to come.

10. 40 minutes of legal advice from Rudy Giuliani

Rudy Giuliani reportedly charges $20,000 per day to represent the Trump campaign, which averages out to $833.33 per hour (if you include time spent sleeping and dying his hair with Glidden satin interior paint).

Or perhaps you can hire a lawyer with a better track record. I recommend the esteemed attorney Maxine Shaw.

9. A mini-blessing from Jesus

Despite the fact that religious organizations don’t pay taxes, Joel Osteen received $4.4 million from the Personal Paycheck Protection Program and T.D. Jakes got more than $2 million according to the Trinity Foundation, a religious watchdog group.

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Of course, some people will say that these organizations provide valuable services to communities and employ people. But, if a church isn’t required to pay taxes, then why are taxpayers responsible for these organizations? If you didn’t have to pay taxes, wouldn’t you have a little extra set aside for a rainy day or a pandemic?

Perhaps the reason that Black-owned businesses couldn’t get access to the program is that Jesus sells prayers to the highest bidder.

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Anyway, thank God Jakes’ Rolls-Royce didn’t get repossessed.

8. Widespread election fraud

$600 could buy an unlimited supply because it doesn’t exist.

7. Almost half of Trump’s COVID treatment

Now you can have your own superspreader event!

The government has entered a deal to purchase shots of the monoclonal antibody treatment received by members of the Trump administration for $1,200 apiece. You have just enough to pay for one COVID-free lung.

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Thank God for Medicare-for-some.

6. 11 days in prison

According to the Vera Institute of Justice, incarcerating a prisoner costs taxpayers an average of more than $31,000 per inmate, per year, although some states go as high as $70,000. But with $600, you can chill in a mid-level penitentiary like the one Trump will be in after he’s president.

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I know it seems like a lot to pay for a corrupt president, but it’s cheaper than what we’ve been paying him to play golf.

5. Two weeks rent

The average rent for a two-bedroom apartment in America is $1,207, so you will still have to find a roommate if you plan on living in one place for an entire month. Knowing most landlords, they will still evict you if you’re seven dollars short. This also means that when you include electricity, water and food, it is cheaper to go to prison than live in America.

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Isn’t free-market capitalism great?

4. .002 percent of a Senate seat

Sen. Kelly Loeffler (R-Ga) had zero experience in government, public service or electoral politics before she was appointed to fill Georgia’s open Senate seat. So how did she get the job? The Journal-Constitution reports that Loeffler and her husband donated $31 million to the Republican Party and individual candidates before she emerged out of nowhere and waltzed into America’s most powerful legislative body.

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I know you’re thinking that Loeffler benefitted from privilege or wealth. If you can get half a million of your closest friends to put their stimulus checks together, you could do this, too!

3. One-fourth of a white education

A majority-white school district gets $2,226 dollars per student more than the average non-white school district, according to an extensive study by Edbuild. So, if you work hard, teach your children the value of a good education and concentrate on family values, a COVID check and a little affirmative action could help a Black child reach 25 percent of a mediocre white kid’s potential.

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2. 12 Black Lives

A few years ago, we calculated the value of a Black life by using the publicly available data on the settlement amounts that courts, police departments, insurance companies, attorneys and the families of victims reached. For each case, we also looked at the state, county or municipality that paid the settlement. Using data from City-Data.com, we used the 2014 population for each entity (which is the most current) and divided each individual settlement by the number of people responsible for paying the amount that police gave the victim’s family, giving us the number each citizen must pay when police snuff out a Black life.

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Using these numbers, we concluded that a Black person’s life is worth about $3,364,875 million, or—on average—each taxpayer shells out $50.06 to extinguish a Black life.

So, good news, Karens! The next 12 times you call the cops on a Black person, you don’t have to worry about the bill!

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1. A week of free labor from a Black woman

Black women make 62 cents for every dollar a white man makes. Even when Black woman have the same education and experience, they are paid less even though they negotiate for promotion and raises more than white men and white women. In 2017, the real median earnings of white men was about $29.03 per hour while the real median earnings of Black women was $17.66, which means a Black woman has to work 25 extra hours to make what a white man makes in a 40-hour work-week.

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But if you have $600 to throw away, you can get a Black woman’s labor for an entire week (seven hours a day, five days a week with a lunch break) while a white man wouldn’t even take that amount for 24 hours of work.

Thank T.D. Jakes’ homey that slavery is over.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.

DISCUSSION

detroitkidelo
kidelo (i have a tiktok)

I’ll say it: $600 is insulting. It’s already spent for so many people. If you need to pay for housing, food, utilities, that $600 was gone last summer.