So, after LeBron James returned to Cleveland and delivered a championship to a city that hasn’t seen one since the Paleolithic era, and did this while …
- beating the team that just completed the best regular season in NBA history;
- coming back from a 3-1 deficit (something that has never been done before in the Finals) to beat said team;
- thoroughly outclassing the NBA’s first unanimous MVP; and
- leading both teams in every relevant statistical category
… it must be really, really, really hard to be a LeBron hater today. You’re seeing his name everywhere; his amazing clutch block on Andre Iguodala immediately entered the pantheon of greatest sports plays ever (and will be repeated in highlight packages as long as there is sport footage to be seen); and he even had the audacity to trot out his stunningly cute daughter for his postgame press conference, which is like emptying a bottle of Raid on a hatin’-ass roach.
Fortunately, I have great news for you. Do not be sad, LeBron hater; there are still very many things you can say to keep your stream of useless, time-consuming, petty and just plain, dumb-ass hate going:
- LeBron’s middle name is Raymone. Which is somehow a worse name than LeBron.
- LeBron’s expensive-ass shoes still look like the s—ts the sexy aliens wore in the Cinemax After Dark classic Emmanuelle in Space.
- Michael Jordan wouldn’t have allowed Kyrie Irving to take that game-winning shot. In fact, Jordan himself wouldn’t even have shot it. He would have just stared at the ball, lifted his eyebrows, made it levitate and willed it magically through the hoop on some Space Jam Jedi s—t.
- The finals were rigged in favor of Cleveland … which would be the first time in recorded history that anything of importance was rigged in favor of f—king Cleveland. Favor and luck treat Cleveland like Cleveland had a threesome with favor’s and luck’s grandmothers and put it on Snapchat. (Even Cleveland’s name sounds like some s—t found in a discount bin at the name store.)
- “I wanna be like Mike” was a catchy and popular slogan used by Gatorade to make millions. “I wanna be like LeBron” doesn’t rhyme, isn’t catchy and sounds like something a kid says before you tell him he needs better goals.
- Kobe scored 60 in his last game. It took LeBron two finals games to crack 60. Therefore, Kobe is twice as good as LeBron. Because logic.
- Both Rihanna and Beyoncé appear to have crushes on him. Which means he might be “Bron-Bron With the Bad Hair(line)” in the rumored Jay Z response to Lemonade that hopefully will never, ever, ever be released or even spoken of again.
- LeBron’s post-win cry face will never be as popular as Michael Jordan’s cry face.
- Dwyane Wade was at the game, proving (again) that LeBron can’t win a big game without him there.
- LeBron won a championship for a man who a) wrote a ridiculous, petulant and not-so-subtly racist letter about him after he left Cleveland the first time; b) practically encouraged the entire city to burn LeBron in effigy; and c) allegedly made billions from unsavory lending practices.
(Actually, everything in No. 10 is a valid reason to hate. But the validity doesn’t matter to the haters because validity doesn’t matter to haters.)
Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VerySmartBrothas.com. He is also a contributing editor at Ebony.com. He lives in Pittsburgh and he really likes pancakes. You can reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org.