10 Things I'd Want To Do Before Getting Raided By The Police And Hauled Off To Jail


It's entirely possible that you've heard this story out of Jacksonville, Florida - because of course its out of Florida - where the police were attempting to take 34-year-old Ryan Bautista into custody on numerous warrants. Except he refused to come out of the mobile home where he and his girlfriend, 30-year-old Leanne Hunn, were holed up after celebrating a birthday because the two of them wanted to make whoopee one last time before Mr. Bautista headed up the creek, sans paddle.


Eventually a SWAT team was called and Mr. Bautista was apprehended…after a six and a half hour standoff. For the sex. As mad as I want to be at this story, I'm a bit impressed by this. I watch The First 48 and Cops. I know that when cornered, most people just exit the premises into police custody and then drive off into the sunset never to be seen again, their exploits, both past and future,  scrawled in Times New Roman font on my television screen. Never Comic Sans, b. So the fact that they had the wherewithal to get one last smang in before he walked into custody shows both foresight and initiative. He's already going to prison, what's a standoff really going to do to harm him? Mr. Bautista, you are maverick (and also a terrible person for imprisoning two other women at first…don't want that to get lost in the mixe here.)

Now that my mind has been opened to the possibility of doing something I really want to do before I get carted off to jail - assuming I'm a fugitive at any point, word to Walter White - here's a list of 10 things I'd try to do before being taken into police custody should a standoff be possible.

1. My laundry

Imagine you go to jail for like 2 years and you come back home to dirty clothes because nobody was there to do them or they just didn't because you were in jail and couldn't really check them, boo. It doesn't take me long to do my clothes now - from sorting to folding - so if I can give the cops a three to four hour standoff, I'm solid gold. Walk out the jailhouse to some fluffed and folded laundry, lookin' so clean in my white tee.

2. Wash the dishes

I might have slight OCD. It isn't debilitating or anything but there has been a time or twelve where I almost walked out of the house but noticed that there were dishes in the sink and I couldn't leave dishes in the sink so I had to wash the dishes in the sink so that there would not be dishes in the sink when I returned from wherever I was going before I saw the dishes in the sink. I hate doing dishes, but I like seeing clean dishes. It's a difficult existence.


3. Straighten up everything in my living room

Before I go to sleep every night, I refold my blankets, put the pillows back where they belong. Now imagine going somewhere for years. I would be going insane thinking about whether or not my pillows were straightened. Plus, I don't know whose coming in there when I'm gone. Can't have folks thinking I'm living like an animal, even from jail.


4. Take out the trash

Have you ever walked into your house and it smelled rank because something was in the trash too long? Yeah. Who knows how long I'm gonna be in the pokey. On second thought though, I can't really recommend this one. If you take the trash out, that means the police are going to get you. Maybe you just politely ask the police to take the trash out when they're apprehending you. Yeah, I'm sure they would do that.


5. Dust

I HATE dusting. But my house gets hella dusty after a few days. Weeks? Years? Fam. Walk out without allergies and walk back into an asthma attack. I don't want to have an asthma attack, fam. Don't give me an asthma attack.


6. Vacuum

A close cousin to dusting in the Clean Family. I love seeing lines on my carpets. Imagine coming home from prison and you still got lines, b. YOU STILL GOT LINES!! It's like you got out of jail AND you got vacuumed carpets. What more could you really want in life? (This assumes you get out of jail.)


7. Sex

Number 7 should have been number 1 to me, but you better get some ass if you leaving with police. Now that I realize I can get stuff done before my apprehension, this is definitely on the list. Which means that if you commit crimes punishable by jail, while free, you should always keep somebody who will make the sex with you around at all times. So if you get into a fight with your boo and she's holding out, you got to call up the sidepieces and keep them around. Your boo will just have to understand. Somethings are more important than your fight.


8. Watch a movie

Since I'm not part of the mob, nor did I work a Baltimore corner with Avon, there's a really good chance that I won't be watching movies for a while. I really have no clue what happens in long-time jail or prison, but I'm going to assume that I'm not ever going to see Pitch Perfect until I get out, and that's more of a crime than the crime I committed to get myself put in jail or prison.


9. Quit my job

Let's assume I'm working. I'd call and quit my job pronto. That way, they're not going to get a call from jail saying that I'm not coming back…BECAUSE A G ALREADY QUIT YOUR ASSES. I took the power into my own hands and stared down my involuntary unemployment. Plus, it aint like you're getting unemployment payments either way, at least you get the satisfaction of quitting your job.


10. Recording a video of myself

And it would say, "if I die in police custody a) I did not commit suicide" and b) lay out who should get my things since I know folks gon' be coming for my collection of fine brick-a-bracks and activity books.


To Mr. Bautista and Ms. Hunn, you are an inspiration.



First, why is Malik in jail?

10 Things I'd do before being hauled off to jail;

10. Watch Netflix
09. Haagen Daz Rum Raisin ice cream
08. take a nice long bubble bath (no bathtubs in jail, right.)
07. play my favorite songs over and over really loud
06. call my student loan bank and laugh, laugh, laugh
05. buy gifts for friends on Amazon. (so when I get out and need a place to stay I can remind them of the nice parting gift I sent them)
04. have a lobster and steak dinner (assuming I just happened to have a lobster and steak when the police came for me)
03. post stuff to tumblr.
02. make my last comment on VSB
01. get my make-up right because I've seen a few women in prison movies and first impressions are everything. :-)