Today, much of America is still in shock or mourning over the deaths of 17 kids and staff at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Fla. Not President Donald Trump, though; he’s out stunting, bashing the armed school security officer for not running into the school to save the kids, and of course, making everything about himself.
“You don’t know until you test it, but I think, I really believe I’d run in there, even if I didn’t have a weapon, and I think most of the people in this room would have done that too,” Trump told a gathering of U.S. governors at the White House.
There’s no reason for a test; you don’t even have to pull out a pen and paper—Trump would fail, miserably. This is a president who is afraid of germs, afraid of bald eagles, afraid of being booed and afraid of being poisoned, and he used bone spurs as an excuse to get out of Vietnam.
There is nothing that Donald Trump has ever done that would give anybody the impression he would risk his own life to run into a hail of bullets to protect a bunch of kids, maybe not even his own.
Never fear, though; there are some decent presidents out there, and I can think of about 10 off the top of my head who would be more likely to—and whom I’d rather have—risk life and limb to save a bunch of kids from a mass shooting than Trump.
10. Barack Obama
He’s on the list because I believe Obama would actually run into a school to save children, but he’s last. Why? Because nobody wants to see Obama in danger. Best-case scenario would be he rescues the kids and the cops use a Taser on him because he “fit the description” of a white 19-year-old school shooter.
9. George H.W. Bush
You know George H.W. Bush used to run the CIA, right? You’re never not running the CIA. The guy almost snuffed out Homer Simpson. Didn’t you see him take out Homer Simpson? He’d save the kids and the shooter would be found dead with a bunch of state secrets planted in his backpack.
8. Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho
The president in Idiocracy would totally save a bunch of kids from a deranged shooter. He’s a former porn actor-turned-wrestler-turned president who shoots flame throwers during the State of the Union. He is everything Donald Trump would want to be, except for the black part. He’s also an idiot and would probably blow up the school, killing everyone. So maybe not the best choice, but still better than Trump.
7. Andrew Jackson
Andrew Jackson, our seventh president, 20 Dollar Jack, survived 13 duels, lived with a bullet in his leg for 19 years and was known to beat folks down with a hickory stick just for fun. He was an unrepentant racist and attempted genocide against the Cherokee with the Trail of Tears. He’s Trump’s favorite president. So he’d definitely run into a school to save a bunch of kids for the glory, but only the white ones because racism.
6. The President From Rick and Morty
The president in Rick and Morty is a badass, he has an arsenal of weapons, he’s vengeful and he fought the smartest man in the universe over a selfie. If he weren’t black, I’m pretty sure Trump would nominate him to run into a hail of bullets and save a bunch of kids in his place. And he’s voiced by Keith David. Who isn’t comforted by the sound of Keith David’s voice in times of danger?
5. Frank Underwood
House of Card’s President Frank Underwood would calmly walk into the school, talk down the shooter and convince him to hand over his weapons. In a small room off from the side of the gym, the sick shooter would cry in Underwood’s arms, finally feeling someone understood him, until Underwood strangled him with a jump rope and then ran out to tell the SWAT team there was nothing he could do. Maybe I should’ve made Frank first. Oh, wait, he can’t be allowed around teenage boys.
4. Bill Clinton
Yes, Bill Clinton is a draft dodger just like Trump, and nothing about him strikes me as being particularly altruistic. But if there is a top 10 list of any presidents, you have to find a space for Slick Willy.
3. James Marshall
This was close; it was between Marshall and David Palmer from 24, but Marshall wins out because Air Force One is one of the best movies of all time and spawned the eternal debate: Which president would you rather have save your life? It’s Marshall by a plane length.
2. Fitzgerald Grant
Fitz is a weasel, and I loathe him more than I loathe Scandal in general. Fitz would claim he was going to save the kids, and then, at the last minute, Papa Pope would pull off some diabolical plan to actually get it done, blackmailing Fitz in the process, but Fitz would still take credit and have Oval Office sex with Olivia to celebrate. Makes me nauseous just thinking about it. I’d be just as happy if he saved the kids and didn’t make it.
1. Teddy Roosevelt
Truth is, Teddy Roosevelt was the original Ruff Ryder. He would bust into the school, save the kids, take out the shooter and have an incredible DMX soundtrack blaring in the background. Mind you, if he screwed up or got lost on the way to save the kids, the buffalo soldiers would show up and actually get the job done—showing once again how black Americans are always there to clean up America’s problems.