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Twenty percent of black men in the Quincy, Mass., area breathed a sigh of relief Monday when police called off their manhunt for a nondescript negro hoodlum who was terrorizing fair-haired maidens in neighborhood parks. As it turns out, it was the white lady who was the hoodlum.

On Monday, March 25, WHDH reported that police were searching for a suspect who “violently assaulted and robbed a woman” at Russell Park, a popular hangout for white women who need a bit of sunshine between yoga class and freeing their gluten. (I’m sure that’s a thing, right?) Police said the woman had visible injuries and reported that a man threw her down on a dirt path behind the tennis courts, took her sneakers, jacket, money from her purse, and then fled on foot.

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Side note: Why do thugs always “flee”? At various times in my life, I’ve hurried, gotten-the-fuck-out, absconded, and once, in the late ’90s, I even skedaddled (please don’t tell my mom). But I don’t think I’ve ever had to flee. Maybe I haven’t been to enough “scenes” because niggas always “flee the scene.”

After viewing surveillance footage of the park, police went back to re-interview the woman. She broke down like a ’93 Geo Metro and confessed that she made the whole thing up, according to the Boston Herald. The cops issued her a summons for filing a police report and...

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Wait. That can’t be right. I’m sure she was charged with 16 felonies, including first-degree Smolletting! She should have been charged with endangering the life of every black male in the area (In Mississippi it’s a misdemeanor. It’s called “Carolyn’s Law.”) Man, I’m sure the police are gonna protest and charge her for all the city resources they wasted. I bet this lady will be the scourge of her city for a long time. Anytime you hear the name...Hold up, let me check. Her name isn’t included in the Boston Herald article.

WBZ also reported the story but they don’t seem to have her name either. Neither does Boston.com or the Quincy Police Department. I’m sure they would have plastered the made-up suspect’s name all over the media before he was even tried, but of course they have to protect the privacy of this lying-ass liar.

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And how did Ms. Jussica Smollett describe her imaginary assailant? According to the Herald, the suspect was:

A black male in his early 20s who is bald, clean-shaven and was wearing a black hoodie, blue jeans, and black shoes.

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Given white people’s inability to distinguish between black people and the scientifically proven fact that melanin is a preservative that prevents black from cracking, that could be anyone from Louis Gossett Jr. to Tupac.

Wait...That could also be me! Did I rob someone last Monday?

Oh, shit! I gotta skedaddle!