Illustration for article titled White Woman Acquitted of Hate Crime After Using Racial Slurs, Slapping Black Car Salesman
Screenshot: YouTube (ABC 13)

A pickup truck-driving white woman who “backhanded” a car salesman was cleared of ethnic intimidation charges on Monday after a judge ruled that slapping the shit out of a black man and calling him “nigger” isn’t necessarily racist if she’s upset about her trade-in value.

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Kent County Circuit Judge Paul Sullivan acquitted 47-year-old Shelley Hueckel of ethnic intimidation but convicted the Nashville, Mich. woman on a misdemeanor assault and battery charge during a bench trial, M Live reports. Hueckel was accused of pimp-slapping Terrance Smith, a black car salesman, on April 24 when Smith violently attacked Hueckel’s white privilege by giving her a less-than-ideal an offer for her 2005 Ford F-150.

I feel sorry for him.

My sympathy has nothing to do with him getting slapped at work. It’s just obvious to me that Terrance Smith is an orphan because every black man in America knows that if you even think about putting your hands on a white womaneven in self-defenseyou could face the death penalty. Fortunately, most of us have been equipped with something that allows us to handle this kind of situation.

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That’s why we have cousins.

Well, most of us.

I knew Terrance was cousin-less when I read M Live’s report on the initial incident:

When he told her she could get $3,500 for her trade, she said she had been offered $5,500 at another dealership. Her husband said they could have gotten $5,100 at another, Smith said.

Smith said the woman was upset so he didn’t respond. She told him to get his “scamming black a— back inside and get my title,’” he said.

He walked away. She followed him into his office. She backhanded him and repeated a racial slur, he said.

He said his glasses were knocked off when she struck him in the face. He stepped outside to get away from her but she came out and continued to use the racial epithet, a Lowell police report showed.

A salesman in an adjoining office told police that “the customer was arguing and Mr. Smith handed the title to her and ‘she just started swinging on him.’ Mr. Smith backed away from her and went outside,” Officer James Reamsma wrote in the report.

When officers initially contacted Slapping Shelley, she first denied calling Smith any names before admitting that she may have bumped him and the words “lazy nigger” may have slipped out. Prosecutors charged her with ethnic intimidation under Michigan’s hate crime legislation, which carries a two-year sentence and states:

(1) A person is guilty of ethnic intimidation if that person maliciously, and with specific intent to intimidate or harass another person because of that person’s race, color, religion, gender, or national origin, does any of the following:

(a) Causes physical contact with another person.

(b) Damages, destroys, or defaces any real or personal property of another person.

(c) Threatens, by word or act, to do an act described in subdivision (a) or (b), if there is reasonable cause to believe that an act described in subdivision (a) or (b) will occur.

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Ignoring the actual words in the statute, Judge Sullivan fashioned a Caucasian legal loophole out of thin air. The judge explained that Huekler hit the cousin-deficient Smith because she was angry at the low trade-in offer and, despite her use of racial slurs, the incident had nothing to do with race. I’m sure you’ve been there. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve knocked the shit out of a salesperson and screamed “cracker-ass cracker” when they told me the price of an item. They always forgive me.

Smith, however, was “stunned and upset” by the decision.

While this story is depressing, it presents the perfect opportunity to present my new business venture: GoCousinMe

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GoCousinMe is a secure platform that allows people who have an overabundance of cousins to share their familial wealth with cousin-impaired individuals like Terrance Smith. For a small processing fee, GoCousinMe will connect the kin-less with temporary relatives in your area.

GoCousinMe is not limited to cousins. We also have aunts for sweet potato pie-related emergencies; uncles for those who hate sipping brown liquor alone; and even premium-priced grandmothers that come with pocketbook candy and bible verses.

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Hueckel will not be sentenced until Feb, 11 on the misdemeanor charges, which carry a maximum punishment of 93 days in jail and a $500 fine.

But Terrance, if you’re reading this, we are willing to help you get the justice you deserve. Just go to GoCousinMe and enter the discount code JUSTICE4SHELLEY to receive half-off any two female cousins already equipped with fighting ability and scrunchies to put their hair in a pre-fight ponytail.

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And if anyone asks, just say that you were returning her down payment.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.

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